


Rainbow Veins

by jasperbren



Series: Strawberries and Cigarettes [2]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating, F/F, Family Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Homophobia, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Sexual Content, Smoking, Smut, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, just a general trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2020-08-31 23:34:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 26
Words: 26,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20248486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jasperbren/pseuds/jasperbren
Summary: Everything changed when he met Lukas.Jesse has had synthesia his entire life, but everything dulled and dimmed when his family died.That is, until Lukas walked into his life, a writer who couldn’t find a reason to live, who brought a flood of color and light with him.And now, after a turbulent seven months since they’ve met, Jesse finds himself facing a choice:Stick to the safe side with what you have, or risk it all for something you’ve always wanted?I present Rainbow Veins, the sequel to Blue Monday.(This too is going to be a heavy story, much like the one before it. Also, be aware because there’s a lot more in the way of sexual content in this one.)





	1. Pink and Gold

Jesse loved Lukas. 

It was a simple fact that he couldn’t deny. The man was probably the best thing that had ever happened to him, and he was the brightest source of color in his life, ever since they’d met on that chilly November day. 

Lukas would smile at him in warm yellows and oranges, he’d talk quietly in lighter shades of blue, and he’d laugh in pale golds and purples. 

Jesse loved Lukas; loved all the colors that had come with him. 

“Jesse, you’re looking at me like that again,” Lukas said, sliding an arm around his waist. 

Jesse smirked. “What do you mean?” He asked, taking a drag on his cigarette. There was a warm pink in Lukas’s voice right now, as they leaned against the railing on his tiny apartment balcony. They’d been back from the road trip for about a week now, and the summer heat was still simmering in the air, even though the sun had set. 

Lukas sighed, lacing their fingers together. “Look, you just have to ask.”

Jesse felt his cheeks flush. 

He’d always been hesitant to ask Lukas for anything, mostly because of how skittish and shy he tended to be. He was mostly afraid of asking for too much, and scaring him off. He knew the effects that anxiety could have. 

Lukas reached up and brushed a strand of hair out of his eyes; his ethereal blue eyes, as Jesse took another drag on his cigarette, tapping the ash off. There was silent tension between them now. 

“So?” Lukas murmured, leaning in close, in a bad attempt at being sexy. 

Jesse groaned. “Fine,” he relented. “You asshole. Lemme kiss you.”

Lukas laughed. 

Jesse scowled, feeling his cheeks flushing deeper. He hated how adorable his laugh was, especially how it rang with dark gold and warm, pale pinks. It was beautiful, even though Jesse knew that Lukas thought otherwise. 

He didn’t give himself time to dwell on it as he put out his cigarette in the ashtray on the railing and pulled Lukas in, kissing him hard. 

The desired effect was almost immediate. 

Lukas inhaled sharply, his arms wrapping around his waist, leaning down and kissing him back. Jesse could remember their first kiss, back in December, what it had lead to. 

And with every long, passionate kiss like it since then, he’d promised himself that he’d make each one even better than the last.

Of course, he’d made that promise to someone else once. 

“I love you,” Lukas breathed. 

Jesse smiled and hastily shoved the memories away. He couldn’t afford to think about that right now. 

All that mattered now was Lukas. His beautifully flawed Lukas, his love, his reason, who needed him. 

_ “Lo sé,”  _ Jesse mumbled, slipping into Spanish. He knew it drove Lukas the best kind of crazy. “ _ Yo también te quiero,  _ Lukas.  _ Yo también te quiero.” _

He heard Lukas’s breath hitch, and then fingers running through his hair. 

Of course, the bastard knew what drove him crazy too. 

With a grunt, he pulled away. 

“You wanna go inside?” He asked, gazing up at Lukas, whose cheeks were flushed, eyes gleaming with arousal. 

“Hell yes,” Lukas muttered. 

They’d just barely made it to the couch, when, to Jesse’s disappointment, his phone rang. 

“I’ll get it,” Lukas said, getting up and grabbing it off the table. 

“Hello?”

“No, I’m his boyfriend.”

“Yeah, why? Wait, sorry, that came out wrong, I just—you know what, never mind, he’s here.” Lukas sighed, massaging his forehead. “It’s for you.”

Jesse shrugged, taking his phone. “This is Jesse,” he said, tapping his fingers on his knee. 

“Oh my god, is it really you?” A woman said at the other end of the line. The woman sounded stressed, yet happy, a mix of blue and yellow and gold tinting her voice. 

Jesse froze. 

It sounded hauntingly familiar, but he couldn’t place where. 

“I’m sorry, who is this?” He finally asked.

“This is Jolene,” the voice said. “It’s me, Jesse. Your sister.”


	2. Gold and Navy Blue

He just sat there in shock for a few seconds. 

This couldn’t be real. He and Jolene had been separated when they were seven—they happened to be twins—which meant the odds of her finding him were astronomically small. 

“You… Jolene, how?” He whispered, trying to keep his voice from shaking. 

Lukas glanced at him, looking worried. 

Jesse held up his hand. 

“It took me a while,” Jolene paused to blow her nose. “But I managed to get in contact with the child services we were sent to and they gave me your cell number. I was… I was so afraid to call you, after I found out you had to age out…” 

“Wait,” Jesse said, his voice shaking. 

This was impossible. This had to be a dream, or some sick joke. 

“Tell me something only you would know about our family,” he mumbled. “I—I can’t trust that it’s really you until you do. I’m sorry, it’s just that I have really bad trust issues, and—“

“Our big sister Beatrice used to keep her American Girl Doll magazines in a big stack next to her bed,” Jolene cut him off. “Because she was so proud of being a teenager. We were six, and Ryan, he was twelve, and he hated Bea. Remember how Ryan gave us the magazines to play with, just to make Bea mad, and I cut out a picture of a car and glued it on Ryan’s forehead?”

“Because he loved cars,” Jesse choked.

He felt like he was going to explode from all the emotions bubbling up inside him. It was all blue, but splattered in gold and yellow and orange, as Jolene began to half-laugh, half-cry. 

Just like he was now. 

“Jesse?” Lukas asked nervously. “Jesse, is everything—“

“It’s great,” Jesse said happily, fighting back tears. “Jolene, do you want to meet somewhere?”

“Yes,” Jolene said. “You can come to my house, this Friday. You can bring your friends, too. I want to meet your family.”

She rattled off the address, and Jesse quickly scribbled it on a piece of paper. 

“I’ll see you then,” Jesse said, breathless.

“I can’t wait to see you,” Jolene replied, her voice shaking. “Take care of yourself until then, okay, little brother?”

“We’re twins,” Jesse whispered, wiping his nose. 

Jolene made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob. “I’ll see you then.”

She hung up. 

Jesse stared at the wall in shock. 

He could feel his fear rising, his anxiety building. At least Jolene hadn’t seemed to get upset about the whole  _ boyfriend  _ thing, he thought, his fingers continuing to tap rapid-fire on his shin. 

He  _ really  _ wanted to smoke right now. That seemed to be the only thing that ever calmed his nerves.

“What’s going on?” Lukas asked tensely, gently touching his arm. 

Jesse realized he was still holding his cell phone to his ear. He sighed, slowly setting it down. “Something great just happened,” he murmured. “You know how I have a sister? The one who survived the fire with me and then got adopted first?”

Lukas’s eyebrows went up as he mentally connected the dots, and he gasped. “Wait, you don’t mean—“

“She found me,” Jesse continued. “I can’t believe it. We were… we were living in the same city this whole time… I’m gonna see her again!”

Lukas smiled, gently kissing him on the cheek. “Jesse, this is amazing,” he said. “This is… wow. This just is legendary, Jesse. I can’t wait to meet your sister.”

Jesse grinned, wiping the tears off his face, but then he felt a pang, a rush of navy blue, and then a bright burst of mint-green. 

But he swiftly shoved those colors and feelings aside. 

“Can I kiss you? You look so happy, and I just want you to stay that way.”

Jesse paused, meeting Lukas’s eyes, which were practically glowing with joy. 

“Of course you can.”

And he did. 

Of course, as the kiss grew in passion and intensity, Lukas gave in and let Jesse take over (as Olivia would’ve said, that boy was a bottom), but Jesse didn’t care. He knew exactly why Lukas had wanted to kiss him. 

He’d wanted his happiness to stay.


	3. Pale Blue and Purple

“Jesse, why didn’t you tell me when she called you?” Olivia groaned in obvious disappointment as she pulled the large spaghetti pot out. 

Jesse faltered. 

Well, he had a reason, but it was a really,  _ really  _ awkward one. 

“Uhm…”

Olivia raised an eyebrow. 

“Fine,” Jesse grumbled. “Lukas kissed me, and then it… uh… escalated.”

Olivia laughed. “You’re seriously telling me that you couldn’t call me to tell me that you just managed to reestablish contact with your long-lost twin sister because you were too busy celebrating by having sex with your boyfriend?”

Jesse scowled. 

“And I thought Petra had bad impulse control,” Olivia said, a smug look on her face. 

Jesse rolled his eyes, trying to think of a good comeback. 

_ “Anyway,”  _ he grumbled, “Jolene wants us all to come over. Like, the whole Disaster Humans group. This Friday.”

Olivia pursed her lips. “I can make that,” she said. “Also, Petra’s usually free then, so we could meet you guys after lunch, but I have no idea about Axel.”

Jesse sighed. He’d been friends with Olivia since probably the beginning of time. Well, they’d known each other since they were nine, so maybe almost that long. He’d known Axel for even longer. 

It was safe to say that they were the closest people to him, except for Lukas. 

“I hope Axel isn’t busy,” Jesse murmured. 

Olivia sighed.  _ “Si, igual.  _ But that doesn’t mean we won’t be able to have a good time if he isn’t there, no?”

Jesse grunted. 

He’d been feeling weird about his friendship with Olivia and Axel for a while now. It was just something about how the two of them had gravitated to Petra. 

Axel, platonically. 

Olivia, romantically. 

The three of them had sort of become a unit, and with Axel going off to some prestigious medical college in Europe this fall, Jesse couldn’t help but feel nervous. 

He didn’t want to lose his friends, no, his family. 

“Anyway, how have things been with you and Lukas?” Olivia asked. “I know shit was a little rocky for you two in the beginning, but is it evening out?”

Jesse grinned. 

“Things have been great,” he said. “We listened to music a lot this weekend. A lot of Queen. I think it’s just so effing cute that Lukas can do a note-perfect  _ Somebody to Love; _ he is most definitely a high tenor.”

Olivia laughed, pulling a package of noodles out of the cupboard. “Jesse, I never thought I’d say this, but you’re a love-struck idiot.”

“Lukas is the love-struck idiot, not me,” Jesse retorted. “Hey, where do you keep the spaghetti sauce? Last time I spaced out while you were talking.”

Olivia gave him a doubtful look, pulling out a pan for the sauce. “In there,” she explained. “What do you mean, Lukas is the love-struck idiot?”

Jesse laughed, recalling something from a few days ago. “I was taking out the trash when I discovered a half crumpled paper. I flattened it out and read it, and guess what, Lukas wrote a haiku about me, and then threw it away in embarrassment, most likely. He waxed poetic about my ass.”

Olivia raised an eyebrow. 

“Oh, you wanna  _ hear _ it?” Jesse said, shaking his head. “It went a little something like this: 

_ Jesse is sexy, _

_ He has a really nice ass, _

_ He’s so fucking hot.” _

Olivia snorted, almost dropping the sauce pan. 

“I decided to keep that little masterpiece,” Jesse continued. “I mean, the poor guy wrote a poem dedicated to me apparently looking sexy! I mean, if Petra did that, I think you’d keep it.”

Olivia rolled her eyes. “Yeah, although Petra’s not the eloquent type. After we got back from the trip, she walked up to me, no shirt and no bra, asking if her boobs looked sunburned. Sometimes, I can’t help but question her distinct lack of common sense.”

“Hey, you used to say the same about me!”

Olivia laughed. “Yeah, because you’re crazy too,” she remarked. “I mean, you’re not  _ supposed  _ to isolate yourself from everybody after a breakup, but I mean—“

Jesse recoiled. 

“Don’t bring that up,” he muttered, feeling a rush of anger at the memory. He really hated thinking about those awful weeks, back in sophomore year. 

Having his trust and feelings for the only other person he’d let himself love stripped away. 

Olivia froze. “Shit, I’m sorry,” she said, turning back to him. “I was trying to make a joke. I didn’t think that—”

“Please don’t talk about it,” Jesse mumbled. 

The rest of the evening passed, mostly in uncomfortable silence. Olivia finished the spaghetti, they ate, but the conversation wasn’t as easy as before. 

There was something off about Olivia bringing up his first official relationship. Normally, she avoided any mention of the topic, just the way Jesse preferred it.

It felt… weird.

He left that evening without saying goodbye. 

As he walked back towards the bus stop, he pulled out his new phone. It was older, but still in working condition. It was actually Axel’s old phone, which he’d gifted to him as a belated birthday present. 

Jesse remembered spending a lot of time uploading music with Lukas’s help.

He smiled fondly, putting his earbuds in and chose a song. 

_ We’ve waited so damn long, _

_ We’re sick and tired, _

_ I won’t leave any doubt, _

_ Or stone unturned, _

_ I’ve got a collar full, _

_ Of chemistry from your company, _

_ So maybe tonight I’ll be _

_ The libertine.  _

He sped up his walking pace, skipping in time with the music, relishing the yellows and golds and pinks unfurling like ribbons across his vision. 

He’d always liked Panic! At The Disco. It was a real shame that more of their songs didn’t get played on the radio. 

_ Collar Full,  _ the one he was listening to now, was one of his favorites, although Lukas preferred  _ Dancing’s Not A Crime. _

He couldn’t help but wonder what was going to happen tomorrow. 

Before the phone call, the last time he’d spoken to Jolene was twelve years ago, and the thought of seeing her made him very nervous. What would her adoptive family think of him? 

What would  _ she  _ think of him?

He hoped that he wouldn’t disappoint her, he thought, unconsciously rubbing his wrist again. 

With Lukas’s help, he’d managed to resist the urge to burn himself several times, but the scars were still there, reminding him. Reminding him of what he’d done to himself and others. 

Jesse really didn’t want Jolene to worry.

He sighed to himself, boarding the bus back to the stop near Lukas’s place. 


	4. Golden Yellow and Cyan

“I have my phone, my wallet, my backpack… shit, I feel like I’m forgetting something,” Jesse muttered, glancing around. All of this suspense this morning was really frazzling his nerves. 

“Is this it?” Lukas asked, holding up his meds. 

“Oh, thank you!” Jesse said, took the bottle, and grabbed the correct amount of pills. Ever since the incident on New Year’s, he’d finally started to be able to take his ADHD meds again, now that he was an adult (and legally allowed to buy his own medicine). He’d forgotten how much better he could focus after taking them. It was almost like putting on a new pair of glasses. 

“You ready to go?” Lukas asked, grabbing his keys. With both of them working, at least they could afford gas money now. 

And, thankfully, Petra and Olivia had fixed Lukas’s car. 

Jesse glanced wistfully at him, still fidgeting anxiously. “Maybe this is a bad idea,” he said.

Lukas shook his head, gentle encouragement in his voice. “Jesse, it’ll be fine. I know you’re nervous, but I think there are things that are always going to freak you out. I’m afraid of heights, ever since a year and a half ago. Petra gets jumpy whenever we go near the hospital. It’s okay to be scared, but this is your sister. You haven’t seen her since you were kids, Jesse. I know you miss her.”

Jesse frowned, nodding. He did miss Jolene. A lot. He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself. 

“Okay,” he said. “Let’s get out of here before I lose my nerve.”

<~>

They pulled up to the address twenty minutes later. 

It was a small house made of red brick, and there was a dog door on the front door that led into the small, fenced-in front yard. 

As Lukas parked on the curb, Jesse tried to calm his shaking hands. 

This could’ve been  _ his _ house. 

“Fuck, I’m nervous,” he said. 

Lukas rested his hand on his shoulder, getting patting it. “It’ll be okay,” he said. “We just need to head in. You’ll wonder why you were scared as soon as you see her, trust me.”

With that, Lukas kissed him on the cheek. 

“C’mon, what’s the Spanish thing you said?  _ Levanta tu trasero!” _

Jesse snorted. “Fine, fine. I’m lifting my ass, just be patient.”

They walked through the gate together, and up the porch steps. Jesse could feel trepidation swelling up. He nervously clenched his fingers, mentally reminded himself that he wasn’t allowed to smoke until he got home, and then rang the doorbell. 

There was a loud clattering noise from inside, followed by barking. 

Jesse glanced at Lukas, who cringed. 

Then the door opened, revealing a boy who looked barely older than thirteen with a pair of taped glasses, holding back a large Doberman that was barking enthusiastically. The boy yelped, losing his grip on the dog, which launched itself at Lukas. 

Jesse laughed, watching as Lukas yelped, trying to back up, but the dog ran up and rammed its nose into his crotch. 

_ “Shit!”  _ Lukas cursed, stumbling backwards and off the porch. The dog pounced on him and started licking his face. 

Jesse tried to calm his laughter, watching the boy frantically run up. “Sammy, no!” He yelled, hauling the dog off Lukas. The dog barked happily, tail wagging, straining as it tried to reach Lukas, who rose to his feet, looking indignant. 

Jesse finally managed to catch his breath. “You cool, Lukas?” He asked, patting his arm. 

Lukas pursed his lips, giving an awkward thumbs-up. “Coolio,” he said. 

“I’m so sorry,” the boy gasped, still holding the dog back. “Don’t ring the doorbell. Sammy freaks out every time, but if you knock, he won’t attack you like that. Who’re you guys?”

Jesse suddenly felt that rush of nervousness again. “We’re… uh…”

“We’re here to see Jolene,” Lukas said, placing an arm around his shoulder. 

The boy brightened, pulling Sammy back inside. “Jolene, they’re here!”

Jesse steeled his nerves as the boy disappeared into the house. “I’m so glad you’re here,” he murmured to Lukas.

Lukas chuckled. “I mean, I didn’t plan to get attacked by a very excited dog, but if me being here helps you stay calm, I’ll willingly get licked all over my face. Blech, that dog’s breath  _ smells.” _

Jesse laughed, almost forgetting his nerves, but then, the door opened again, and a young woman walked out. 

“Shit, I am so sorry you got glomped by Sammy. I should’ve warned you not to use the doorbell.” 

Jesse froze in place. 

She looked a lot like how he’d imagined her. Short and strongly built and dressed in faded coveralls and a blue T-shirt, burn scars from the fire twelve years ago splattered on her forearms and neck, the same wavy dark hair, except hers reached the middle of her back and had a large red streak in it, the same brown skin, the same high cheekbones and round face, and the same eyes. 

A pair of bright, bottle-green green eyes, which flew open in shock when she saw him. 

“Oh my god,” Jesse murmured, clamping a hand over his mouth. 

“You’re shorter than I thought,” Jolene blurted, staring at him. 

They just stood and stared at each other for a few seconds in dead silence, before Jolene walked over and hugged him. 

Jesse froze, glancing at Lukas out of the corner of his eye, who made a “carry on” gesture with his hand. 

Jesse awkwardly returned the hug. 

“You’re back,” Jolene mumbled. “You’re back. I found you.”

Jesse suddenly found himself smiling. It was happening. 

It really was. 

“Jolene,” he whispered. 

<~>

“This dog really likes me.”

Jesse snorted, flopping down on the couch. Jolene had just given him a tour of the house, including the basement (which was empty), and it was lunchtime. 

Sammy was sprawled on his back, tongue lolling out as Lukas scratched his belly, paws in the air. He looked incredibly smug. 

“I think Sammy is trying to steal your boyfriend,”Jolene said, setting a plate of sandwiches on the battered coffee table and sitting in an armchair across from them. “But he’s a sucker for anyone who’ll pet him. Although I will warn you, he’s got a habit of shoving his nose in, uh, unsavory places.”

“Already know,” Lukas said. “He stuck his nose in my crotch and knocked me off the porch.”

Jesse smirked. “I’m the only one who’s allowed to do that.”

Jolene, who’d just taken a sip of water, burst out laughing and almost choked, and Lukas flushed bright red. 

Jesse grinned. That was another of his favorite things: Getting Lukas all flustered like this. 

_ “Jesse…” _ Lukas grumbled, trying to hide his face. “That’s embarrassing.”

Jesse smirked.  _ “El café y el amor saben mejor cuando están calientes, bebé.” _

He had to admit, teasing Lukas was very entertaining, and never failed to make him laugh. 

Jolene caught his eye.  _ “Ustedes dos idiotas son jodidamente divertidos,”  _ she said. 

After they both managed to calm down, Lukas cleared his throat. “So,” he said. “Jolene. Tell us about you.”

Jolene nodded. “Jesse and I are twins,” she said. “I graduated from high school last year, and I’m actually on vacation from college right now. I’m studying chemistry. One of my dads is a professor there. When you meet him tonight, be warned, he’s a little… much.”

“Much?” Jesse asked. 

“You’ll get it when you meet him.”

“You have two dads?” Lukas asked, perking up. 

Jolene nodded. “My other dad is an architectural engineer. He could’ve retired a year ago, but he’s too stubborn to. Also, his music taste never got further than the goddamn 60’s. And he likes jazz .”

Jesse tried not to laugh as Lukas visibly cringed. 

“Anyway, I’ve lived here for a long time now,” Jolene continued. “Twelve years. I feel like they’ve become my new family. I mean, nobody could replace our mom and dad, but, well, these guys raised me.”

There was an awkward beat of silence. 

“Did… did they ever mention me?” Jesse finally forced himself to ask. 

“Well, they wanted to adopt us both,” Jolene explained, pain in her voice. “Except they weren’t in the best financial place. They were planning on adopting you after they got better jobs, and were able to afford two kids, but when they came back for you two years later…”

Everything suddenly clicked. 

Jesse winced, clenching his hands as he realized why. “I ran away,” he mumbled. “That was the year I ran away.”

Another brief pause. 

“Well, they were both upset, but they adopted Radar,” Jolene said. “Well, his real name is Raymond, but his friends just call him Radar. He was barely two, and both his parents had died. I never found out why.”

Just then, Radar, who must’ve been the young boy, timidly poked his head into the living room. For the first time, Jesse was able to get a good look at him. 

He was a skinny kid, maybe a head shorter than Jolene, his messy black hair sticking up on his forehead, contrasting sharply with his pale olive skin. His glasses were taped in the middle, and he kept fiddling with them. 

“Jolene?” He asked. “Jolene, there’s more people here. A really tall redhead and a lady with curly hair and a dog.”

“Go ahead and let them in,” Jesse said, recognizing the description. 

The boy nodded, grinning, and ran back down the stairs. 

“So Jesse,” Jolene asked. “About you. How has your life been?”

It took every ounce of self-control that Jesse possessed not to yell  _ “Shittier than you could ever imagine!” _

He glanced at Lukas, who just shrugged.

“There’s been yellow and blue,” he said, picking at his shirt. “Lots of blue, but still some yellow.”

Jolene winced. 

“I wish I could’ve helped you,” she mused. “Do you have a job so you can support yourself, at least?”

“Yeah, we both work a few shifts at a coffee shop near my place,” Lukas said. “And I managed to get a job mowing my friend’s lawn.”

Jesse laughed. “We both know you just took the offer because you like the cookies that Olivia’s mom makes.”

_ And because Petra’s always there, but I’m not gonna mention that.  _

“Anyway, Jesse’s also a freelance artist on the side,” Lukas continued. “I have a picture of something he painted. Wanna see?” He pulled out his phone, and Jesse froze in embarrassment as he saw the portrait mural. 

He remembered painting that. Taking in every aspect of Lukas’s face, mixing in all the colors that came with him, listening to the music that gave off the same colors he did. 

He remembered stenciling the words at the bottom without really thinking. 

He’d been so in love, and hadn’t known any other way to say it. 

“Wow, this is really good!” Jolene exclaimed. “Wait,  _ mi amor? _ Ooh,  _ Este chico te gusta mucho, hermanito.” _

“Jolene, we are  _ twins,”  _ Jesse grumbled. 

“Doesn’t matter, I was born first,” Jolene remarked, handing Lukas’s phone back, and Jesse saw him hiding a smirk. 

Suddenly, none other than Bravo charged into the room, and Sammy leapt up, using Lukas’s groin as a launch pad. 

Jesse couldn’t help laughing as Petra stuck her head through the door, followed by Olivia. 

Lukas grimaced. “Is your dog, like, targeting me on purpose?” He asked, shifting painfully.

“Oh, so you’re the long-lost sister!” Olivia exclaimed. 

“Ooh, is that peanut butter I smell?” Petra gasped, spotting the sandwiches.


	5. Dark Pink, Blue, and Silver

“That went well,” Lukas said. 

“Well?” Jesse said. “That was fantastic! I met my sister again! I’m feeling really good.”

Lukas smiled, a tired look sinking onto his face, as he turned into the parking garage. “Glad you… had a good time, I guess.”

Jesse grinned. He  _ was  _ in a really good mood. Frankly, Jolene’s dads had had to work late, so he hadn’t been able to meet them, but all in all, it had been a good visit. 

Once they reached the apartment, Lukas yawned and stretched, then flopped onto the air mattress that they’d set up so that they wouldn’t have to sleep on the couch. It was clear he was exhausted, but that didn’t bother Jesse. He knew that interacting with people, especially ones he didn’t know, tired him out. 

“I wish I could meet my parents,” Lukas said quietly, curling up like a cat. “I wonder what they’d say to me. I wonder if they’d approve of us.” 

Jesse winced, feeling a tinge of guilt. 

He remembered as a kid, wishing on every four-leaf clover, every shooting star, every lucky penny, that he could see his family again, until he’d figured out that those things were fake and never worked. He’d achieved at least a piece of that goal, though—given that he still had a living sister—but Lukas, on the other hand, had lost his parents, his only living family, to a car accident at the age of five. 

He’d never get a chance. 

That harsh reality made Jesse hurt. 

“They’dve loved you a lot, had they been here,” he said, sitting down next to him, gently touching his shoulder. He hoped that what he was saying made sense, because he’d never been good at pep talks. “Of course, that doesn’t mean you’re not loved already.”

Lukas sighed. “Your sister seems cool, I guess.”

Jesse grinned. “I know, right?”

Lukas chuckled. “What does  _ hermanito _ mean?” He asked. “You get annoyed when she calls you that.”

“Little brother,” Jesse explained. “Ever since she found out she’s four minutes older than me, she’s never let me live it down.”

Lukas smiled, gazing off at the wall, but it was clear he felt miserable. 

Jesse had a sudden thought. He took Lukas’s arm, the one where he always cut himself. He carefully rolled up his sleeve, and winced, glimpsing the bandages over a new, scabbed and blood-crusted cut. 

He felt a pang of sadness. It hadn’t been cleaned, but it didn’t look new. 

“Hey, look, you need to at least clean them,” he murmured, carefully peeling off the soiled bandages and tossing them in the trash can. “Did you do this yesterday?”

Lukas nodded slowly, still staring miserably off into space. 

Jesse sighed, retrieving some bandages and peroxide, carefully cleaning the wound and dressing it, and gently pressed a kiss on Lukas’s forearm for good measure. 

“I’m sorry,” Lukas whispered. 

“Don’t apologize. You got me to stop burning myself regularly. I owe you.”

Lukas yawned, rolling onto his stomach. “If you owe me,” he murmured. “I need a back massage. People drain me.”

“Oh, that’s low,” Jesse teased, sighing fondly. “Take your shirt off.”

As soon as Lukas had taken his shirt off, Jesse shifted, sitting on his thighs, and began to gently work the knots out of his shoulders. Lukas let out a muffled groan.

“That feels… so effing good… thanks.”

“Any time,  _ cariño,  _ Jesse said, and tried to stifle a chuckle as Lukas shoved his face into the crook of his elbow, attempting to hide how red it was.

He continued to massage Lukas’s back in silence, and for a while the only sounds were the rustling of the sheets and blankets whenever he shifted, and Lukas’s occasional grunt or moan when Jesse found a good spot. He still couldn’t help feeling slightly awkward as he gently kneaded the muscles near the small of Lukas’s back. 

There was still that part of him that freaked out whenever they touched, which was ridiculous, especially because since his first time back towards the end of sophomore year, he’d probably had sex with more people than his entire circle of friends put together, and, of course, he’d done it with Lukas more than once at this point. 

Jesse decided to keep those thoughts to himself for now. He didn’t know how Lukas would feel about them. 

As if on cue, Lukas groaned, reaching back and tugging at his arm. 

“Mmf, Jesse… c’mere,” Lukas grunted, tugging on his arm. “Wanna make out.”

Jesse felt himself blush as he quickly pushed those thoughts into the deepest, darkest corner of his mind.

“Right now,  _ cariño?  _ I can tell you’re tired,” he murmured, stroking Lukas’s soft, ridiculously beautiful blond hair. 

“Goddamn it,” Lukas grumbled, reaching back and grabbing his chin, turning and kissing him hard. 

Jesse was momentarily caught off-guard, but he returned the kiss, letting Lukas shift onto his back. He couldn’t help but let out a low chuckle as Lukas groaned, giving his ass a squeeze. 

“Fuck, you really want it,” Jesse mumbled as Lukas wrapped a leg around him, trying to get closer. 

Jesse finally relented, peeling off his shirt and dragging his hands down Lukas’s bare chest.

Lukas moaned, arching his back. 

Jesse sighed, feeling Lukas’s hands roaming over his back and shoulders as they kissed, the atmosphere of the apartment shifting quickly from pale rose color to a hot, heavy, dark pink, mingled with purple and tinges of gold. He could almost imagine painting this moment right now, but he couldn’t think of a song that had quite the right hues, or color combination to match.

He decided to stop thinking about painting and more about Lukas’s heaving breaths against his forehead. 

It felt good, whenever they did things like this together. Not casual, but not too formal. Some place in between, he thought, fumbling with Lukas’s belt buckle and loosening his jeans, leaving hot kisses on his neck and collar.

He felt Lukas shudder and moan under his touch. 

Something about the lust and desire in his ragged panting was infectious. 

_ “Quédate quieto, cariño,”  _ he murmured, relishing how Lukas’s breath hitched and his hips seized up, his fingernails raking his scalp. 

“God,  _ fuck,”  _ Lukas moaned. “I’m not gonna— _ ah! Ah, sh—shit!” _

Jesse smirked, grinding his hips against him, catching Lukas’s lower lip between his teeth. 

He knew that drove him crazy, he thought, leaning down, sucking a bruise into Lukas’s collar. 

But then Lukas was pushing him away with a grimace. 

Jesse quickly sat back. “Is something wrong?” He asked nervously. He didn’t want to push Lukas too far, especially because of how skittish and distressed his anxiety could make him. He’d seen him during a panic attack more than once and had helped him through it, and it was always frightening to watch. 

He didn’t like seeing him that way. 

Only Lukas looked fine. Well, slightly dazed, several hickeys on his collar and neck, chest heaving, but he didn’t seem upset. 

“I… am very tired,” he murmured. “Can we just snuggle?”

“Of course,” Jesse said. “If that’s what you want.”

Lukas yawned, wrapping his arms around him, settling down. 

Jesse gently stroked his cheek, gazing off at the window, where the sun was setting, bathing everything in a golden-orange glow. 

After a few minutes, Lukas had drifted off, and Jesse carefully pushed his arms away, managing not to wake him. He couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed, but he wasn’t going to force Lukas into anything, especially if he was as tired as he seemed to be. 

With a sigh, Jesse quietly opened the balcony door, and, leaning against the railing, put his earbuds in.

He gazed off at the setting sun, lighting a cigarette as the opening lyrics of  _ Polaroid _ by Imagine Dragons filled his ears, accompanied by the familiar shades of blue and silver. 

He’d always liked this song for reasons he didn’t quite understand. 

He glanced down at his cigarette, taking another drag on it before grumbling to himself. Jesse tapped his fingers to the beat. He’d have stopped smoking a while ago, if smoking wasn’t his few release valves for the fear and guilt inside him. 

He stood there for a while, watching the sun disappearing, until his cigarette was nothing but a still-burning stub. 

Jesse felt an odd heaviness in his heart.

Before he realized what he was doing, he had to stifle a yelp, searing pain flooding up his right arm as he held the cigarette butt against his already scarred forearm. 

It hurt like hell. 

“Fuck,” he muttered, staring at the burn, dropping the cigarette butt into the ashtray. 

He hadn’t done this to himself in weeks.

With a heavy sigh, he walked back inside, laying down on the mattress next to Lukas, who mumbled something in his sleep, pushing his head into the crook of Jesse’s neck almost as soon as he got comfortable. 

Jesse smiled and gently wrapped his arms around him, dropping a kiss on his forehead, ignoring the throbbing pain of his newest burn as he drifted off to sleep. 

Today had been an okay day.


	6. Yellow and Orange

“How’s Berlin?” Jesse asked. It was the first time he’d been able to call Axel since being reunited with his sister, and after several frantic texts, they’d arranged a time to chat. Now, Jesse was sitting cross-legged on the floor, a cigarette in his hand and his phone in front of him, video chatting with Axel. 

“Awesome,” Axel said. “The time change threw me a bit.”

Jesse laughed. “Yeah, what is it, three in the morning?”

“Nah, it’s eight at night,” Axel replied. “Sorry I couldn’t meet the sister. I was getting on the plane when you texted me.”

“It’s cool,” Jesse said. “I thought you left the next day. My bad. Anyway, what have you been up to? Are your roommates okay?”

Axel grinned. “This tiny-ass apartment has got six of us, including me,” he said. “It’s cool, though. We’ve got bunk beds. And my roommates aren’t terrible, although I’ve known Klaus for about four days and I’m pretty sure he’s a stoner.”

They both laughed. 

“The rest of them are cool,” Axel continued. “Elizaveta is this baddass Hungarian chick who apparently once gave a guy a concussion with a frying pan. Then there’s Diego, Klaus’s brother who grew up in the states, who somehow locked us in his car when he picked me up from the airport even though he literally throws knives as a hobby. Then we’ve got Crowley, who owns a million potted plants and likes to blast Queen at four in the morning and dress like it’s 1970. And finally, there’s Harley. I really like Harley.”

Jesse raised his eyebrows, blowing smoke. “Like, like-like? Like, you wanna bang like?”

Axel’s face went red. “Well, I don’t know,” he said anxiously. “I’ve never really liked anybody like  _ that _ before. But Harley, they’re really cute and really funny. But it’s more like, ‘I want to snuggle and kiss and go on cute dates with you,’ not… you know.”

Jesse shrugged. “Give it time,” he said. “You’ll find out how you like… you said them, right?”

Axel nodded. “They’re non-binary.”

“Thanks,” Jesse said. “Yeah. Anyway, just give it some time. Lukas and I, it took us almost a month of dancing around each other. You’ll eventually figure it out.”

“Thanks,” Axel said. “I was planning on asking you. I mean, ‘cause you’ve dated around a lot, and you know—“

“Yeah, yeah,” Jesse grumbled. “Yes. I know. I dated three girls, four boys, one genderfluid person, and two non-binary people in one year.”

Axel winced. “Sorry,” he said. “I mean, you’ve never been…”

“It’s nothing,” Jesse said quickly, shoving his irritation aside. “So what’s this Harley like?”

Axel grinned. “Ooh, I am glad you asked,” he said, leaning back and turning to the door. “Harley! Harley, my American friend is on the phone!”

There was a pause. “What?” A heavily accented voice shouted in the background. 

“By the way, they’ll understand you fine, they don’t speak a lot of English,” Axel said. “Harley! One of my American friends called!”

“Oh, yes! I would like to meet the American friend!”

The door banged open, and a person, obviously Harley, rushed in, holding a water bottle, backpack, and a swim cap in one hand. 

“Are you Jesse?” They demanded. 

Jesse raised an eyebrow. Harley was tall and muscular, and, for that matter, only wearing an undershirt and shorts, clearly revealing sculpted calves and biceps. Their eyes, a piercing blue, seemed to shine with a delighted gleam, nearly obscured by a slightly damp and curly mop of dirty blond hair. 

This Harley was a total hottie. 

“Depends on who’s asking,” Jesse said, winking automatically, and then mentally cursed himself. He wasn’t single anymore, so he couldn’t act like it. 

“You are American, no?” Harley asked, grinning. “I have never left hometown of Aachen before… Axel,  _ wie sagt man Universität auf Englisch?” _

“College,” Axel explained. 

“Yes, college,” Harley continued. “I hear America does not have… ah…  _ kostenlose Gesundheitsversorgung?” _

Axel chuckled. “They didn’t believe me when I said we don’t have free healthcare.”

“Axel’s right,” Jesse said. “No free healthcare. A couple months ago I got shot, and a friend’s parents had to pay off my medical bills, which were astronomical.”

Harley winced. “I do not understand your strange and… scary laws. Are you okay? From the… er…  _ der  _ gunshot?”

“I don’t get it either,” Jesse said. “I recovered fine. I’ve got a scar, though.”

Harley looked relieved. 

Their phone buzzed. “Oh, sorry, I must go now!” They said. “I was about to leave for the swimming pool for swimming practice.  _ Ciao,  _ Jesse!” 

They turned, heading out the door with an excited wave and a grin. 

As soon as Harley was out of earshot, Axel smirked. 

“They your type?”

Jesse smirked back. “Smokin’ hot,” he remarked. “I’d hit that, but sadly I’m committed and in another country. Looks like they’re open, Axel!”

Axel scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Oh, I’ve gotta go, man,” he said. “Just got a notification about the schedule. Can you say hi to the rest of the Disaster Humans for me?”

“Sure thing, buddy.”

“Thanks so much,” Axel said, disconnecting. 

Jesse sighed, sitting up, feeling his back pop. He’d been sitting hunched over like this for a little too long. 

Also, he wanted to paint something. 

<~>

Jesse tapped his foot to the music, cracking his knuckles and grabbing a can of pink spray paint. 

_ Bloom,  _ Troye Sivan. 

He had sort of a general idea of what he was doing, but other than that, he was pretty much playing the whole thing by ear. 

Red. 

Pink. 

Orange. 

Black. 

Yellow. 

He started to dance, twirling back to his duffel bag to grab a few brushes, blending the paint to match the colors he saw from the music. He began to forget his surroundings, focused entirely on the music and color dancing around him. 

“Whaddup, dipshit!”

Jesse yelped, losing his grip on his brush, and tripped, accidentally spraying his shirt with bright pink paint. 

“Jesus fuck, Petra,” he grumbled. “How the hell are you so good at sneaking up on people? And how did you even get in here?”

Petra just shrugged, watching him scrabble around on the floor for his paint brush. “Lukas gave me directions,” she said. “Anyway, his phone was dead, and I got mine taken away by my grandparents for the week, so I just went and got you.”

Jesse squinted at her. “For… what?”

“Team meeting,” Petra said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha guess who Axel’s roommates are


	7. Green and Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not writing much; school got in the way. I’ll try to put a new chapter up at least once a week.

“Jesse!”

Jesse turned, spotting Jolene waving wildly as he and Petra approached the picnic table. Since it was sunny, they’d met up at the park instead of Olivia’s house. 

Lukas was already there, sitting next to Olivia. He gave him a little wave, meeting his eyes and smiling, shutting his journal and tucking it into his backpack. 

“Hey,” Jesse said, sitting next to him and placing an arm around his waist. “Hey to you too, Jolene. So what’s this meeting about?”

Jolene grinned. “I’m so glad you asked,” she said. “Every year, my dads, Radar, and I go down to Florida for about half a week, because one of my dads inherited a cabin out in the middle of nowhere in the Everglades. I’m talking a big, luxury-style cabin. There are eight bedrooms, and four have four sets of bunk beds each, so they let me have friends meet up down there, and it turned into them going to town for a few days, and me and Radar throwing a party. I mean, since it isn’t exactly  _ safe _ to swim in the swamp, the pool comes in handy. Y’all wanna come? If you do, I can send you the address.” 

There was a brief pause. 

“Oh, hell yes,” Petra said, breaking the silence. “If you can make me more of those peanut butter sandwiches, count me in.”

Olivia smirked. “Me, too.”

“I’ve gotta keep dumbass here in line, so I’ll go,” Lukas added, elbowing Petra in the ribs. 

Jesse glanced over at him in surprise. 

“You sure?” He asked. “You got really nervous at Axel’s on New Year’s Eve.”

Personally, he thought the party was a great idea, but he didn’t want Lukas to get stressed out, and he knew that loud, chaotic environments tended to do that to him. 

Lukas smiled curtly. “I’m sure,” he said, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. “I can handle it.”

“Great!” Jolene said. “We’re gonna meet up there with a bunch of my college buddies and some of my old high school friends. Do you guys think you can make it there yourselves?”

“Yeah, my parents can cover plane tickets for the four of us,” Olivia said. 

“I’m gonna drive.”

Jesse glanced at Lukas, who looked nervous. “Are you sure?”

Lukas nodded. “Olivia, you’ve been paying for a lot of my stuff, and I don’t want to keep taking your money. I can drive down.”

“I’ll fly with Olivia,” Petra said after a moment’s hesitation. “What about you, Jesse?”

“You can fly down with us,” Jolene offered. “My dads can cover it.”

Jesse paused, biting his lip.

This was difficult. 

He had three choices total, and no matter which one he chose, he might upset someone. 

Choice number one: Fly down with one of his oldest friends and her girlfriend. 

Choice number two: Fly down with his long-lost twin sister and her adoptive family. 

Choice number three: Drive down with his boyfriend. 

Then he saw the forlorn look on Lukas’s face, and the dread and anxiety coming from him was almost palpable. 

_ Don’t leave him again, you asshole! _

“I’m gonna go with Lukas.”

Olivia faltered, but didn’t scowl. “Okay, I guess we’ll see you there.”

Petra smirked and laughed, breaking the tension. “The gays are at it again,” she remarked. “Lukas, don’t give me that look, I know you’re going over pros and cons of being alone in a car for a couple days with your boyfriend.”

Lukas scoffed. “Keep your mouth shut and I won’t tell them about the grocery bag parachute, bitchard.”

Jesse was struck by an overwhelming sense of curiosity when Petra’s face went red, and Jolene and Olivia cackled. 

“I mentioned wanting to jump off a bridge once,” Lukas explained. “Petra, who was high off her ass at the time, tried to make me a parachute out of plastic grocery bags, as a ‘present,’ and she apparently tested it by jumping off her grandparents’ roof. So then she ran into my apartment at four in the morning with a broken arm, sobbing about how her ‘cool fucker’ didn’t work.’”

Petra groaned, and Olivia snorted. 

“Your wisdom is unparalleled, Petra,” Jolene said, fighting back laughter. 

Jesse couldn’t help but appreciate the grouchy look on Petra’s face. 

However, he couldn’t help but feel guilty. He loved Lukas so much, more than anything, but then there was Olivia, whom he hadn’t been on the best of terms with recently. There was Petra, whom he considered a good friend, someone he could count on. 

And Jolene. 

His actual fucking sister, whom he’d turned down a chance to really talk and reconnect with. 

But he couldn’t leave Lukas all alone. 

He knew Lukas had a problem with always putting others before himself, even when it was unhealthy or inconvenient for him. Not only that but Lukas tended to refuse to speak up about being in pain and bottled everything up, which only resulted in him suffering more. 

He didn’t want Lukas to go into another downward spiral like he had in March, thanks to the argument back in February. 

Jesse remembered finding the note, sitting on top of his backpack, which had been filled with everything Lukas considered valuable. 

_ If you still want to talk, meet me at six tonight at the big bridge at the edge of town. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. _

He remembered rushing there as fast as he could, even though he knew he’d be very late, filled with sickening dread. 

The heart-stopping moment when he’d spotted Lukas standing on the cement barrier, eyes closed, cheeks tear-stained, expression miserable. Dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep, and visible blood stains on his shirt sleeve. 

He’d completely broken down after managing to coax Lukas back onto the sidewalk. 

“Jesse? Jesse, are you okay?”

Jesse blinked. 

Jolene was staring at him, and so was everyone else. Their faces ranged from confusion to concern. 

“Sorry, I blanked out there for a second,” Jesse blurted, hastily trying to conceal his emotions. 

Lukas frowned. “Are you sure?”

“I’ll uh, I’ll meet y’all in Florida, I guess,” Jesse blurted, avoiding Olivia’s perplexed gaze as he quickly stood and walked away. “I’ve gotta go finish painting something.”

<~>

Jesse paced nervously around his sleeping area, smoking his eighth cigarette and listening to  _ Drugs & Candy _ . 

He mumbled anxiously to himself. He felt so on edge, and he couldn’t understand why. That just made it even more distressing, because he had a fuckton of reasons, but he couldn’t pin down which one it was. 

His phone buzzed for the fifth time. 

_ Cariño: Hey, you okay? You seemed like you spaced out during the meeting. Do you want to talk? It’s okay if you don’t want to.  _

Jesse winced. How the hell had Lukas, that beautiful blond boy with a golden heart and a broken soul, fallen in love with  _ him? _

_ Jesse: dont want to talk _

_ Jesse: not feeling great i think this might be a blue period _

_ Jesse: I just need some time alone  _

_ Jesse: sorry mi amor _

_ Cariño: No, don’t apologize. You’re entitled to your boundaries, and I’ll always respect them. Love you, J. _

Jesse winced again, gazing at Lukas’s words. He could practically hear him saying them out loud. 

It just made him feel even more anxious and sad. 

He felt awful. 

He’d had to choose between his friends. 

Nothing was making sense right now. 

He yelped, the pain of the still glowing cigarette butt against his skin jolting him back to reality. He fought back tears as he burned himself again. The fourth time already tonight. 

After almost an hour of anxious pacing and three more burns, his throat hoarse and raw from smoke, he finally drifted off into a fitful sleep. 


	8. Blue and Gold

“Jesse, what did you  _ do _ to yourself?”

Jesse winced, guilt welling up. Last night had been the worst in weeks. 

Lukas was staring in shock at the new burns, his foot tapping rapidly on the leg of the coffee table. He looked confused and afraid as he ran his thumb over the bandages. 

Jesse glanced over at their forgotten pancakes, remembering Lukas’s kisses on the back of his neck and his arms around him as he’d made them.

He wished he could rewind to two hours ago. 

“Jesse, are you okay?” Lukas asked, cupping his cheek in his hand. “You were so good about this for almost two months. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do to make it better?”

Jesse sighed, leaning against his hand. “I had a blue period,” he said. “It was short, but it was… one of the worse ones. I smoked a bunch, and I kept waking up crying. My throat feels like shit, and… fuck, my arm. It still hurts.”

“Of course it does!” Lukas fretted, obviously fighting back tears. “Seven! That’s the most you’ve done in one night, if I remember correctly.”

_ Not true. _

“Yeah,” Jesse muttered, gritting his teeth. He knew it was a lie, but he didn’t want to worry Lukas any more. 

He didn’t like seeing him this nervous.

“I’m sorry,” Lukas said, voice quiet and anxious. He took a shuddering breath, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “I’m… I’m just scared. I really don’t like it when you hurt yourself.”

“Like you don’t.”

Jesse flinched. The words had just slipped out, and he couldn’t take them back. 

Lukas looked away abruptly, and Jesse heard what sounded like an aborted sob. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, guilt sinking over him. “Lukas, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

Lukas let out a shaky sigh. “Jesse, I don’t want you to be like me, that’s why I fuss over you all the time,” he said, sniffling as tears slowly ran down his cheeks. “I want you to be better than me. I want to  _ help you _ be better than me.”

There was a brief pause. 

Jesse took his hands, pushing his sadness and guilt away. “I don’t know if I can do that,” he murmured. “But I’ll try.”

Lukas sighed and leaned over onto his shoulder. “Thank you, Jesse.”

“When are we leaving for Florida?” Jesse asked, trying to lighten the mood. 

Lukas sat back, wiping his eyes. “Well, your sister said whenever we’re ready,” he said, voice still shaky. “She recommended to at least have a week to travel. I was thinking we leave some time next week. Leaves us time to pack and get shit.”

“Well, I feel bad for freaking you out,” Jesse said. “We should do something you like today. Like, maybe go out and get coffee, then maybe the bookstore? Y’know, get you a new book for the road.”

Lukas nodded slowly. “Maybe buy some new clothes,” he mused. “I don’t really have much that would work in Florida heat. I need a new swimsuit, too, ever since I lost my bag back in Missouri.”

Jesse smirked, seeing an opportunity to cheer Lukas up. “You wanna see if your smokin’ hot ass could rock a bikini?”

Lukas’s cheeks flushed in embarrassment. 

“Or do you wanna see one on me?” He teased. “I know you’ve got a thing for me in dresses.”

“Maybe,” Lukas said. “You look incredibly fucking sexy. It took some restraint to keep myself from slamming you against a wall when you and Petra made the Jello cup bet.”

Jesse cackled, mostly from the fact that Lukas somehow managed to say that with a completely deadpan voice. 

“You’re a riot, babe,” Jesse remarked. “C’mon, let’s head out.”

<~>

The rest of the day improved vastly. 

They headed up to the bookstore, stopping for coffee on the way, and they spent a good three hours there. Probably more, had Jesse not dragged Lukas out, but they managed to make some selections. 

“I still can’t believe you were a Warrior Cats kid,” Jesse remarked, slipping an arm around Lukas’s waist, falling into step with him. 

Lukas smiled, blushing, fiddling with his backpack strap. “You dumbass, I read those books religiously. I even started rereading them recently, and  _ Tallstar’s Revenge  _ could’ve been more accurately titled as  _ Tallstar and the Gay Awakening Road Trip.  _ Oh, and _ Yellowfang’s Secret  _ could’ve been  _ How Dark Can We Legally Make A Children’s Book?” _

Jesse chuckled, remembering the books they’d bought. Lukas had, of course, bought a book that would’ve taken Jesse, between his ADHD and bipolar bullshit, a couple weeks to finish at best. Something called  _ Mr. Mercedes  _ by Stephen King. Jesse didn’t understand why Lukas loved to read, but it was something that made Lukas happy, so he didn’t argue. 

He’d also bought Jesse a book, one called  _ The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue. _

“I’ve read it,” Lukas had said, placing the book on the counter. “You’ll like it, especially the main character. Don’t worry, I’m not giving you a deadline to finish it by.”

They’d both laughed at that. 

Jesse chuckled. He still thought it was hilarious yet endearing that Lukas had been obsessed with Warrior Cats when he was younger, to the point where he’d confessed about trying to draw Ravenpaw on a T-shirt.

It made Jesse smile.

“Well, you don’t need to worry about the evil murder cats,” he said cheerfully, kissing Lukas on the cheek. “They’re not real.”

“They could be,” Lukas remarked. “Hell, if the Multiverse theory is true, the Dark Forest not only is real somewhere, but they’re… fuck, I dunno, shapeshifting aliens with powerful magic hell-bent in killing us! And one of us is half alien! And Petra gets the shit beat out of her by my middle school bully, who’s my ex boyfriend in this universe, and gets a Bucky Barnes-ass lookin’ metal arm!”

“Oddly specific,” Jesse teased. 

Lukas laughed. “Yeah, I had the weirdest dream last night. I distinctly remember Petra getting in a fight with Luke Skywalker over an effing Pop Tart, except in this dream Luke was like the bitter gay wine aunt who’d seen some shit. And at one point you were there, too. You had a badass sword made of diamond. And you got into a physical fight with one of said murder cats.”

“Well, if alternate realities do exist, that was a hella fun one,” Jesse said. Lukas’s imagination always made him smile. 

Lukas blushed, smiling bashfully. 

  
“Anyway,” Jesse said. “We’re going to to find you some summer clothes, because you’re either gonna drown in your own sweat or die of heatstroke in that bomber jacket,  _ chico.  _ Next stop, the mall!”


	9. Gold

When Jesse showed up at Lukas’s place the next day, he was gone, and there was a note taped to the door: 

_ I’m gonna be out for a few hours, J. It’s a surprise. Don’t worry.  _

Jesse frowned. He didn’t like it when Lukas disappeared on him, but at least he’d left a note. 

He sighed, leaving the apartment. 

He decided to text Petra. 

_ Jesse: Hey yo you wanna hang? _

_ Redhead: hell yeh _

_ Redhead: where r u? _

_ Jesse: at bfs place _

_ Redhead: ok _

_ Redhead: I’ll meet you there  _

Jesse smirked. The fact that Petra happened to own a motorcycle made anytime she picked him up a little nerve-wracking, but still, she was a great friend. 

She arrived a few minutes later, on her motorcycle, Bravo in a harness in her lap. 

“Hey, I brought you an extra helmet!”

<~>

Ten minutes later, they were sitting on the floor in his hideout, drinking coffee and playing Go Fish. 

“So where’s Lukas?” Petra asked. 

Jesse shrugged. “Haven’t seen him all day,” he said, taking another sip of coffee. “I’m not worried, though. He left me a note. Something about a surprise. Six?”

Petra raised her eyebrows. “Surprises aren’t very Lukas-like,” she remarked. “The man likes to keep a routine. Go fish.”

Jesse rolled his eyes and drew a card. 

“So anyway,” Petra asked, setting down her cards, revealing three Jacks, three fours, and three aces. “When’re you two leaving?”

Jesse swore under his breath. He had no idea how, but Petra was  _ really  _ good at Go Fish. 

“Next week.”

Bravo got up from where he was chewing on rawhide Jesse had given him (he’d started keeping a stash of that for the little guy) and climbed into Petra’s lap. She chuckled, stroking his fur. 

“I turned eighteen in March, so I can finally legally move out of my grandparents’ house,” she said, absentmindedly stroking Bravo’s fur. “I’ve got a place picked out and everything, and I’ve got a job. Now all I have to do is tell them I’m moving out.”

Jesse couldn’t help but smile. He knew perfectly well that Petra hated her grandparents. She’d ranted about them from time to time. According to her, they were very religious (Petra was an atheist), were very homophobic (they refused to accept Petra’s bisexuality and she wisely hadn’t told them that Lukas was gay), and were very conservative and traditional (Petra had tattoos and dressed like a guy. Enough said.)

Of course, Petra had already been trying to distance herself from them from some time, but this was a huge step in a good direction for her. 

“That’s great!” He said, reaching over and scratching Bravo behind the ears, who yipped excitedly and shoved his muzzle against his hand. 

Petra smiled thinly. “Yeah, but I’m not too sure how my grandad’s gonna take it. There’s best case scenario, where he’ll go one about how he’s finally getting rid of me and my ‘mangled skin,’ or there’s worst case scenario, where he’ll flip his shit because I’m a disgrace to the family name or whatever. I’ve already packed up everything, and I bought an air mattress I can sleep on. All I need to do now is to drag all my shit to my new apartment.”

Jesse smirked. “You can finally get that nose piercing you’ve been dying to get.”

Petra laughed. “Yeah, they won’t be telling me what to do and making me feel like shit anymore. I just hope I’ll be able to pay for my meds on my own, because while you were in the hospital I went to the doctor and found out I have schizophrenia, and the medication is  _ hella  _ expensive.”

Jesse winced. He’d heard of what it was like to have schizophrenia. At least Petra hadn’t seemed to have it to the point where she was a danger to herself, but it was shitty that the meds cost so much. 

He tried to find a way to phrase this, but all that came out was “Yikes.”

Petra just laughed, shaking her head. “I feel bad for Lukas. Between paying rent and electricity and food, he can’t afford anything for his anxiety and he won’t take the money that Olivia’s trying to give him.”

Jesse nodded. Lukas had expressed an interest in being prescribed something to help him stay calm, but he just didn’t have enough money. However, he had noticed that he’d been saving more money than usual since April. 

Maybe his surprise was that he was starting to take medication?

No, that probably wasn’t it. 

They sat there for about two hours, talking casually and playing card games, until Lukas showed up, Olivia in tow.

“Hey,” he said quietly. 

Jesse jumped up, grinning. 

“Lukas!” He exclaimed, hugging him and kissing him on the cheek. “ _ Cariño,  _ where have you been all day?”

Lukas winced in pain, pushing his hand away from his shoulder blade. 

Jesse suddenly felt a jolt of fear. “Are you hurt?” He asked, dreading the answer. 

Lukas shook his head, smiling. “No,” he said. “You wanna see it?”

Jesse glanced at Olivia, who looked excited. Suddenly, everything fell into place: saving up money, the sketches that he’d seen Lukas drawing now and then, how he’d been so nervous and jumpy yesterday.

“Wait, did you get—“

Lukas nodded, slipping off his jacket and then his shirt. Jesse saw the protective pad on his shoulder blade that he recognized from when Petra had gotten a new tattoo back in December. 

“Can you peel it off?” Lukas asked. “I can’t reach it. Just put it back on when you’re done, okay?”

Jesse carefully peeled the pad off, and gasped. 

There was an elegant design of a feather tattooed on Lukas’s shoulder blade. The base was entwined in a ribbon that wrapped around the shaft of an arrow strung with what might’ve been beads, and the end of the feather seemed to have been dipped in ink, the splatters condensing into the silhouettes of birds.

“Holy shit,” Jesse murmured, carefully pressing the pad back on. “How long did this take?”

“A few hours,” Lukas said. “It hurt like hell, too. Petra, I don’t understand how you’ve got, like, five of these.”

Olivia grinned. “He wanted it to be a surprise, so he made me come with him,” she remarked. “He said he’s been saving for it since April.”

Lukas tugged his shirt back on. “Yeah,” he said quietly. “Drawing it took ages to get it right. Sorry if I was jumpy yesterday. I was just a little nervous about the whole needle thing.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” Jesse said, kissing him on the cheek. He was in too good of a mood to ruin the fun. “Whaddya say we go out, grab my sister, and hit up Olive Garden as a celebration of the fact that my boyfriend apparently has the patience to sit still for a couple hours while getting stabbed over and over?”

“Having to put up with you assholes was good practice.”

“Oh, shut up,” Jesse grumbled. “You’re too adorable to stay pissed at.”

“Also, I’m planning on moving out of my grandparents’ house tomorrow,” Petra said, holding up her coffee.

Olivia whooped loudly, and Lukas started clapping. Bravo started howling along with Olivia. 

“See, even Bravo’s excited,” Jesse said, petting her dog. 

“That’s fucking awesome,” Lukas remarked. “I can help you move.”

“Finally!” Olivia exclaimed, doing a little dance. “You can do what you want now! You! Can do! What! You want! Hell yeah!”

Jesse grinned, watching. He felt good about this. Petra was building a new home, picking up the pieces of her past. Even though he hadn’t known her for as long as Lukas had, he could tell she’d come a long way. 

Petra started laughing as Olivia threw her arms around her and kissed her. 

Then Jesse caught Lukas’s eye. 

Sure, Lukas  _ looked _ happy, and he was smiling, but there was something off. 

Something sad.

Jesse raised his eyebrows in curiosity. 

Lukas gave him a slightly pained glance as if to say  _ we’ll talk about this later. _

Jesse couldn’t tell what was going on in Lukas’s head, but he knew that he wasn’t as okay as he seemed to be. 


	10. Red and Blue

“So you’re telling me that you threw hands with an eight-year-old?”

Jesse grinned, enjoying Jolene’s confused and excited look. They’d been trading stories for a while now, and with each one, he was feeling more of a kinship to his sister. 

Inviting her to come hang out at his hideout definitely had an upside.

However, he did feel a little guilty about leaving Lukas alone at his apartment. He made a mental note to make him crepes again as an apology. 

But, Jesse thought to himself, his sister had plenty of embarrassing stories to tell.

So far, he’d learned that Jolene had accidentally gotten launched off a see-saw in her junior year, eaten glitter on a dare, and had attempted to fight Radar with an umbrella, as well as many more great stories, several of them a bit higher rated than PG. 

“Yeah,” he said, continuing. “Axel’s little cousin basically said I’m ugly and need Jesus, and I didn’t appreciate how true that was so I yote the little fucker into the pool. Don’t worry, the kid was wearing a life jacket and he loves it when people throw him anyway.”

Jolene laughed. “You certainly have a way with people,  _ hermanito.” _

Jesse scowled. “We’re twins,” he grumbled, reaching for the lighter in his back pocket, then bit his lip hard. He’d made a promise to himself that he wouldn’t smoke while he was around Jolene, and it was proving difficult. 

That was probably the reason why his hands had been shaking so much all day. 

“You’ll always be my little brother to me,” Jolene teased. “I’ve missed making fun of you; I really did.”

Jesse chuckled. 

He did miss having a sister. But there was still a weird barrier in between them, as if they weren’t  _ truly  _ related. Maybe that was from growing up apart and having such different lives. 

Jolene was in college. 

He was still technically homeless. 

Jolene had a steady job. 

The steadiest thing he had was his boyfriend. 

Jolene didn’t have so many unsolvable problems. She didn’t smoke, she didn’t drink, and from as far as Jesse could gather, she didn’t have any mental issues like he did. 

And, of course, she could count the amount of people she’d fucked on only one hand. 

Jesse managed to keep his expression neutral. 

He wanted so badly to have had a life like Jolene’s. 

“Jesse, are you okay?”

He flinched. He must’ve blanked out again, because Jolene was giving him a concerned look. Mentally cursing himself, he turned to face her. 

“You were staring off into space like you were at the park,” Jolene said. “I remember you only did that if you were thinking really hard or if you were upset. Is something wrong?”

“Yeah,” Jesse relented. He sighed. No matter how he put it, he’d piss her off, one way or another. 

He regretted telling her already. 

“I didn’t get a life like yours.”

Jolene just stared at him for a moment.

Jesse gritted his teeth, feeling his anger boiling up. “You got an almost perfect life. Mine is shit. I’m jealous. There, now you know why I’m pissed.”

It was silent for a moment. 

“Oh,” Jolene said quietly. 

She didn’t glare or snap at him. She just sat there quietly with a neutral expression on her face, avoiding his gaze. 

Somehow, that made him angrier. 

“Are you gonna say something, or what?” Jesse snapped. He felt angry, angry at her, angry at himself, and he didn’t know why. 

Jolene just sighed. 

“Jesse, you don’t have to hide it.”

He froze. What did she mean? There were a million things he was sure she didn’t know; that she  _ could  _ know. 

“Look, Jesse,” Jolene continued. “I know you’re stressed. You’re trying look better because you think you’re not good enough for me. I know you smoke. I can smell it. Also, I saw a lighter in your back pocket that you keep starting to reach for. And there’s an ashtray in Lukas’s car.”

He suddenly felt bitter. 

“It doesn’t bother me,” Jolene said soothingly, her voice blue and orange. “At the park, I asked Lukas. He said it’s how you calm yourself down.”

“No, no, I can’t!” Jesse hissed, his anger surfacing again. “I can’t do it in front of you! You’re… you’re too…”

He swore under his breath. His hands had started shaking again. 

Jolene just sighed. “You can’t hide things, Jesse. You were always a bad liar, okay? I know you think I’m too good to be related to you. You feel like you’re not good enough.”

Jesse winced. Jolene was right. 

“Tell me about yourself,” she said gently. “You know what? We’ll play Ten Questions; that game we used to play when we were kids. We each ask each other ten questions, and we have to answer honestly. We need to tell each other the truth, no matter how bad it might feel. Remember? What Mama used to say about lies?”

Jesse nodded miserably. He hadn’t let himself think about the past in so long. He’d never looked back; he’d shut everything out and refused to think about when life had been better. And yet, he could remember his Mama’s advice about lies and truths.

_ “The truth will never hurt by itself,  _ mijo.  _ It’s the lies that make it so.” _

He sighed wearily. “You’re not gonna like it,” he muttered. 

Jolene placed a hand over his. 

“I’m your sister. I love you, no matter what,  _ hermanito.” _

Jesse took a deep breath, mentally preparing himself. 

“I'll start,” Jolene said. “What’s your last name?”

Jesse sighed. “McClain,” he said. “I kept our parents’. What’s yours?”

“Taber,” Jolene said. “My dads’ surname. I decided to take it. Next question: Where do you live?”

“Right where we’re sitting,” Jesse said. “Well, I usually sleep at Lukas’s apartment. We’ve been pooling our money and sharing it since about mid-April. Your question… ah, why did you name your dog Sammy?”

Jolene laughed. “Radar had just turned five, and since he’d been begging for a puppy all year, we got him one for his birthday. As for the name, a friend of one of my dads had had a dog named Sam for a while, but Sam died, and Radar had really loved Sam. So, Sammy, in honor of Sam.”

Jesse couldn’t help but smile. That was a surprisingly adorable story.

“Anyway,” Jolene said. “Third question for you. How long have you been smoking?”

“Since I was sixteen,” Jesse admitted. “It… it does help me calm down, even though it’ll eventually destroy my lungs.”

Jolene laughed weakly. “I tried once,” she said. “I don’t think my mouth ever forgave me for that fucking  _ awful _ taste.”

Jesse scoffed. “Yeah, I’ve gotten used to it,” he said. “Fuck, my hands…”

“It’s okay,” Jolene said. “Go ahead.”

Even though he felt guilty, he pulled his packet of cigarettes and his lighter out of his pocket, and lit one. He’d bought this package somewhere in Oregon, and it was about half full. 

At least he wasn’t smoking a whole pack every day. A single pack usually lasted about a month for him.

Jolene didn’t say a word. 

He still felt guilty. 

“Question,” he said, a little awkwardly, since he didn’t know how she’d react. “Do you like girls or boys?”

“Both,”Jolene said. “I’m bi. I’ve always liked guys more, though. I did have a girlfriend at one point in high school, but it didn’t last. She was nice, though. We still hang out sometimes, even though I started dating a guy this year.”

Jesse chuckled. “Wish I could relate,” he said. “My exes usually didn’t ever talk to me again.”

“Exes, as in plural?” Jolene asked. “Oh, yeah, question. How many exes?”

Jesse winced. “I’ve dated… a lot of people,” he said. “Like, a  _ lot.” _

Jolene arched an eyebrow. “Five?”

“Higher.”

“Eight?”

“Higher.”

_ “Fifteen?” _

“A little higher.”

_ “Twenty???” _

“Sounds about right, but possibly more.”

Jolene just gave him an incredulous look. “So you’re saying you  _ can’t remember _ how many?”

Jesse sighed and shook his head. “Yeah,” he said. “Girls, boys, and others. I dated around a lot. I kind of had a reputation in high school as being the class fuckboy. I mean, I hooked up with a ton of people, probably because I thought it would solve my loneliness problem. I just got lonelier. It was… hard for me to make friends.”

Jolene glanced at him thoughtfully. 

“Maybe you were just trying to find the right person.”

Jesse flinched. That particular comment stung, mostly because his average time of staying in a relationship with someone was only a few weeks. 

Except for Lukas, and… another. 

He hated thinking about that guy.  _ Hated _ it. Thankfully, they’d barely interacted since they’d broken up. 

“I guess that’s it,” he said. “Your question: What do you think of Lukas?”

Jolene laughed. 

“He’s absolutely perfect for you,” she remarked. “He’s all shy and quiet, and you’re loud and impulsive, which means you cancel each other out. And it seems you’re the only one besides that hot redhead chick with the leather jacket who doesn’t wear him out mentally. You two just work.”

Jesse blushed. “I love him,” he said. “I think he’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.”

“Good to know that,  _ hermanito.” _

“We are  _ twins.” _

“Shut up,” Jolene said, grinning. “We still have five more questions each. Now, what’s the bandage on your arm about? You’re always wearing it whenever I see you. What’s it covering?”

Jesse froze. 

Goddamn it, she could’ve asked about anything but the bandage. 

It didn’t look like much; just an Ace bandage around his right forearm that had some paint stains on it, but what it concealed was enough to freak her out. 

_ Definitely  _ enough. 

“Jesse? Did… did you hear me?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said tensely. “Promise me you won’t freak out, okay? It might scare you a little bit.”

He took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut. Then he undid the bandage.

He heard Jolene gasp in shock. 

“Jesse… what the hell? Your arm… it’s just… shit, was this from the fire?”

As much as he hated to lie, he couldn’t bring himself to tell the truth either. So he just nodded. Hopefully his most recent burns didn’t appear _too_ recent. 

“Shit,” Jolene muttered. “That’s… damn, I can see why you cover it.”

He nodded. 

_ If only you knew the truth. _

“Question six,” he said, trying to change the subject. “What’s your favorite color?”

“I like yellow,” Jolene said. “Yours?”

Jesse frowned. There were colors everywhere; no two were ever the same, and that made the question difficult for him to answer. 

“Orange,” he finally decided.  _ “Beautiful Trauma  _ orange. Orange is one of my happy colors.”

Jolene shrugged. “Eh, that song always had too much of a pumpkin smell to me.”

Jesse nodded. Jolene was similar to him in the way of music, but instead of colors, she could sense temperature and smells. For example, she’d explained that  _ Fly Me To The Moon  _ smelled like cinnamon, and was pleasantly warm; or  _ Death of a Bachelor  _ smelled like coffee, and felt like summer heat. 

It was always interesting to hear what she could sense. 

Jolene glanced at her watch and cursed. “It’s late,” she said. “If you don’t mind, I’m gonna head home. I need to let Sammy out, because Radar’s at a friend’s house today.”

Jesse nodded. “Okay, see you later.”

Jolene got up, grabbing her purse. “It’s two left turns and one right, right?”

Jesse chuckled. “Yeah.”

Jolene gave him a thumbs-up. “Thanks,  _ hermanito. ¡Hasta la próxima!” _

“We’re twins, sis,” Jesse grumbled, smiling as she left. He’d forgotten how much of a pain in the ass that was, but he didn’t mind. 

He was glad they’d found their way back to each other. 


	11. Orange and Yellow

Even though it was eleven at night, he went to Lukas’s apartment. 

Part of him still felt guilty that he’d left Lukas behind with everyone else, and he’d felt torn. Lukas deserved at least a hug and kiss goodnight. 

“Hey, it’s me!” Jesse called, knocking for the third time. “I’m sorry went off with my sister instead of you! Are… are you pissed at me?”

Lukas opened the door, grinning. 

“I’m messing with you,” he said. “Get in here, asshole.”

Jesse laughed as the tension broke. 

Lukas walked back inside, and Jesse followed dropped down on the couch. 

Then Lukas came out of the kitchen a few seconds later, holding a cardboard box from the restaurant. 

Jesse grinned as he caught a whiff or garlic. “Did you steal the breadsticks?” 

Lukas nodded. “Yes, I stole the leftover breadsticks from Olivia’s purse. I’m a horrible person, I know.”

“Oh, trust me, I’ve done worse,” Jesse remarked, grinning. 

“Yeah, like what?”

“Oh,  _ chico,”  _ he said. “You wouldn’t want to know. You’re too innocent.”

“Me?” Lukas said, gasping dramatically. “Innocent?”

“Yeah,” Jesse teased. “Baby, the first time we fucked you’d never even kissed anybody before.”

“You kiss your sister with that mouth?” Lukas retorted.

Jesse couldn’t help it. He burst out laughing, throwing a pillow at Lukas, and shouted “Oh,  _ HELL _ no!”

A brief pillow fight followed, before they both collapsed back onto the couch, breathing hard and laughing. 

“Damn,” Jesse panted, kissing Lukas on the cheek. “You’ve got a good arm, Blondie. Just be careful with that tattoo, okay?”

_ “Eres un pedo culo!” _ Lukas said with a defiant smirk. 

“Fart ass?”

“I’m trying to learn Spanish, okay?” He said, blushing. “I mean, I’m getting tired of trying to google what you’re saying. I kinda wanna, y’know, have a secret language with you. So we can talk shit about people in front of them just like you and Olivia do.”

“Aw, babe, that’s so cute!” Jesse exclaimed. “I love you so much, ya’know?”

“Ha, apparently the lyrics to  _ Despacito _ are really… uh…  _ pervertido,”  _ he remarked. “Did I say that right?”

“Yes, and yes,” Jesse chuckled. 

Lukas smiled bashfully. “Thanks, J.”

For a while, neither of them spoke. It was startlingly peaceful; just the two of them, sitting together in comfortable silence, Lukas’s fingers gently running through his hair. 

Jesse suddenly remembered the lyrics from the song he’d listened to on repeat during those awful weeks in March, trying to hold onto some of Lukas’s warmth and color. 

_ Yeah, I’m sick of losing soulmates, _

_ Won’t be alone again, _

_ I can finally see you’re as fucked-up as me, _

_ So how do we win? _

As sad as the song was, it was the same colors as Lukas. 

Warm, bright, and beautiful. 

“Hey,  _ cariño?” _

“Yeah?”

“I was thinking about painting,” Jesse murmured, gazing over at Lukas. 

“What do you want to paint?” He asked.

“It’s… hard to explain in words,” Jesse sighed, his hands fidgeting in his lap, itching for a paint brush or a cigarette. 

“Is it colors?” Lukas murmured. 

“Yeah.”

There was a brief pause. 

“Well, what colors?” Lukas asked. 

“Orange,” Jesse said, gazing out the window at the lights of the city. “Lots of orange and yellow. It felt like us.”

“Felt like us?”

“I don’t know,” he muttered. “Like, it sounds like what colors we are when… you know what? I’ll paint it. You’ll get it then… wait, fuck, I don’t have anything to paint on. Shit.”

“I’m here.”

“What do you—“ Jesse started to ask, but faltered as Lukas pulled his hoodie off, then his shirt. 

“Use me,” he said. “Paint it on me. Just try to only do it with acrylics, and only on my chest, okay?”

“Okay,” Jesse said slowly. He grabbed his duffel bag off the floor. He’d started carrying it around everywhere, since inspiration had a habit of striking whenever he wasn’t ready. 

He was glad he had it now. 

He chose his paints and brushes, and then set about painting a sunset. 

Time seemed to pass inconsistently as he continued, drawing out streaks of orange and yellow and navy blue down Lukas’s chest, bringing the sunset in his mind to reality. 

One minute he was kneeling on the couch next to him and painting with a brush. 

The next he was sitting in Lukas’s lap, painting with his hands. 

At least acrylic paints washed out of skin and hair, he thought, realizing they were kissing each other. 

He felt Lukas tugging his shirt over his head, then the cool dampness of the paint on his chest cancelling out the heated magenta air that somehow blending with the orange and yellow. 

Lukas let out a soft moan. 

And then Lukas’s hands were around his hips, fingernails digging into his skin.

Jesse slipped his arms around his waist, pressing Lukas down against the couch, feeling the paint smearing as he dragged his fingers along his chest. 

“This is going to make a mess,  _ mi amor,”  _ Jesse murmured. “Shower?”

Lukas grunted. “Shower.”

_ “Te amo, cariño,”  _ Jesse sighed, brushing Lukas’s tangled hair out of his flushed, beautiful face. 

“Love you too,” Lukas breathed.


	12. Red and Pale Green

The next day, something happened. 

He’d left Lukas’s apartment early that morning and was headed back from his shift, grumbling about the latest ridiculously over-complicated coffee orders when he ran into him. 

Literally. 

“Oh, shit!” Jesse yelped, scrambling for the large stack of books the guy had dropped. “I am so—“

Then he saw the guy’s face. 

It was a familiar one. Pale and very handsome, green eyes almost identical to his own, dark eyebrows, high cheekbones, full lips.

“—Sorry,” Jesse finished, trying to keep the ice from his voice. 

“No offense taken,” Aiden said evenly. 

Jesse managed to bite back a few rather inappropriate phrases. 

Of all people, it  _ had  _ to be him. 

“Sure,” Jesse said, trying to avoid eye contact. This was a fine time to run into  _ Aiden,  _ of all fucking people. On his way home from work, when everything seemed to be going okay. 

“You still feeling yellow, man?”

Jesse bit his lip so hard he tasted blood. 

He wasn’t going to put up with this bullshit right now. 

“Alright, Aiden,” he muttered angrily. “What the fuck do you want?” 

“Nothing,” Aiden said briskly. “I was just on my way to the library to return all these books. How have you been? I asked you before; are you still feeling yellow?”

Jesse narrowed his eyes. 

“Don’t talk about my colors,” he snapped. “You don’t deserve to.”

And with that, he turned around and started walking away. 

“Hey, wait!” Aiden called. “If this is about what happened three years ago, I just wanted to—“

Jesse whirled around, his anger flaring.

He’d trusted Aiden years ago, back when he was sixteen and naïve. His first kiss, his first… yeah. And his first heartbreak, which was part of the reason why he was so pissed.  _ And _ it was because out of all his exes, Aiden was by far the worst, for multiple reasons. 

“What?” Jesse snapped. “Haven’t you been enough of an asshole?”

“—Apologize,” Aiden said. 

Jesse flinched. He hadn’t been expecting that at all, especially because of Aiden’s  _ you couldn’t change my mind if you gave me a billion dollars  _ mentality. 

“Jesse, it’s been almost four goddamn years,” Aiden said tiredly. “I was an immature asshole of a kid; I know. I was thinking about trying to find you to apologize and try to fix things when I ran into you just now. Can we just talk?”

<~>

And that was how they ended up at the local seafood store, watching the lobsters fight in the tank.

Jesse slowly bit into his muffin, watching one of the bigger lobsters that was snapping its claws at another. 

He still felt uneasy about this. Sure, time could change someone, but Aiden… 

Well, Aiden was Aiden, and he was untrustworthy for several reasons. 

“You look tense, Jesse.”

Jesse gritted his teeth in frustration, swallowing his bite of muffin. 

“I’m always tense,” he muttered. “It’s just you’re here, which I think is making it worse.”

“Then go,” Aiden said, scribbling something in his notebook. “It’s not like I’m stopping you.”

That notebook thing was mildly irritating, especially since it was just so… Lukas-like. But also, Jesse couldn’t help but wonder what was in it. The curiosity was practically killing him. 

Finally, he couldn’t stand it anymore. 

“What’s in the notebook?” He asked, leaning over to look at the pages. 

“Music,” Aiden replied. “This was my first year in college. I’m studying music theory so I can write songs professionally. I learned how to play the guitar when I was in juvie a few years ago.”

“That explains why you have one,” Jesse mused, his curiosity getting the best of him again. “Are you any good?”

Aiden just shrugged. 

Jesse had to admit, the Aiden in front of him was a lot different than the brash, loud, and confrontational Aiden he’d known the summer after he’d turned sixteen. This Aiden seemed calm, reserved, and a lot more mature, and not nearly as asshole-y. 

He was still wary, though, as Aiden pulled his guitar out and gave the strings an experimental pluck before he began to play and sing. 

It took only a few seconds for Jesse to recognize the song. 

_ “Rose-colored boy, _

_ I hear you making all that noise, _

_ About the world you want to see, _

_ And oh, I’m so annoyed,  _

_ ‘Cause I just killed off what was left of the optimist in me.” _

Jesse frowned. He’d never heard Aiden sing before, and it was already beginning to annoy him how good his voice was. 

Nonetheless, he decided to join in. 

_ “I had to break it, the wars are raging on, _

_ And I have taken my glasses off, _

_ You got me nervous, _

_ I’m right at the end of my rope, _

_ A half empty girl, _

_ Don’t make me laugh, I’ll choke.” _

Aiden raised his eyebrows and stopped singing, but kept playing the chords. He nodded, as if to tell him to keep singing.

Jesse met his eyes steadily, silently challenging him. 

And then they both started singing at the top of their lungs. 

_ “Just let me cry a little bit longer, _

_ I ain’t gon’ smile if I don’t want to, _

_ Hey man, we all can’t be like you,  _

_ I wish we were all rose-colored too, _

_ My rose-colored boy.” _

Then Aiden stopped strumming, and there was an awkward beat of silence. 

Then the elderly clerk behind the checkout counter started applauding enthusiastically. 

“You just harmonized with me,” Aiden remarked. “And your voice is… good.”

“I may be shit at playing instruments, but I can sing,” Jesse said. 

Aiden merely nodded. “I met a few people,” he said. “My roommates. We formed a band. We’ve got me, playing guitar, then Maya, on bass, and Gill, on drums. Gill’s real name is Gilbert, but don’t tell him I told you that because he’d probably dangle me by my ankles from our balcony, which is on the third story, by the way. Anyway, we’re okay. Mostly we just do covers, but I’ve been kinda working on something. It’s not nearly done, though.”

Jesse frowned. “What is this, exactly?”

“An invitation to come hang out, if you want,” Aiden said, putting his guitar away and grabbing his backpack. “I’ve gotta go now. Those books I was returning are about a week overdue, and Maya’s gonna kill me if I have to pay a late fee bigger than a dollar. Here’s my number.”

Before Jesse could respond, Aiden had torn a page out of his notebook and folded it up. 

He just watched, bewildered, as Aiden left the seafood store. 

Then he glanced back at the lobster tank. The bigger one he’d been watching earlier was just regarding him coldly with those freaky little bug eyes. 

“I don’t know about you,” Jesse muttered. “But I don’t know what to think about this.”

The lobster didn’t reply. 


	13. Green and Purple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to draw any art for this story, you are welcome to.

The rest of the week was relatively uneventful. 

Jesse still hadn’t been able to bring himself to call the number. Maybe it was his conflicting emotions or something else, but he didn’t really know what to do. Aiden had definitely changed in almost four years since they’d last spoken, but Jesse didn’t want to forgive him. Then again, holding a grudge this long was petty, to say the least. 

Maybe?

He cursed under his breath as some ash dropped off the end of his cigarette and into the bag he was packing. 

“You good?” Lukas asked, from the opposite side of the couch. “I’m trying to pack up. I can’t figure out what  _ not _ to wear.”

Jesse scoffed, shaking his head and grinning. If there was any opportunity to distract himself, it was now. 

“I can help with that,” he said, hopping over the couch, where Lukas was sitting on the floor, surrounded by stacks of shirts. He looked baffled, which was oddly endearing. 

“First of all,” Jesse said, giving the pile of clothing a quick once-over. “No sweatpants or long-sleeved shirts. It’s gonna be hot enough that that could kill you,  _ chico.” _

He couldn’t help but laugh as Lukas gave him a disgruntled look and shoved his favorite sweater away. 

“What do you think?” Lukas asked, holding up a _Green Day_ sweat shirt. 

Jesse shook his head, tossing in the ‘no’ pile. “Did you steal that from Petra’s closet?” He asked. “You’re gonna sweat way too much in it.”

Lukas’s cheeks flushed. “Her shirts fit me.”

“Oh, I don’t judge,” Jesse replied, pulling out another shirt. “I once stole a couple of Olivia’s crop tops. It took her a week to notice they were gone, which is kinda surprising, because I wore those things almost every day.”

Lukas rolled his eyes. “Don’t put images in my head, J.”

Jesse laughed, but didn’t keep teasing him. He glanced at the shirt he was holding: a soft blue one that looked faded and loose. He tossed it into Lukas’s suitcase, and then grabbed one of the tank tops they’d bought a week ago. It was also blue, but patterned with tiny purple flowers. 

“You’re gonna want these,” Jesse said, tossing the tank top at Lukas, who made a face, but put it in his suitcase. 

Jesse understood his dislike of having short sleeves. Lukas shy, and didn’t like to draw attention to himself, and then there were all the cuts on his arm and in a few other places. 

He knew Lukas wasn’t very fond of letting them show. 

“Red or yellow?” Lukas asked, holding up two more tank tops. 

Jesse paused, mentally comparing them. He finally decided on red, and Lukas nodded, folding it and setting it in his bag. 

“You’re quiet,” Lukas said, after a few more minutes. 

“Am I?” Jesse mused, tossing a pair of shorts at him. 

“Look, Jesse, I can tell that you’re hiding something.”

Jesse froze. This was like talking to his sister all over again. There was literally a  _ million  _ things Lukas could know about, and what scared him was that he didn’t know which one. 

“You’ve been tense all week,” Lukas continued. “Quiet, too. I can tell something’s bugging you, so do you want to talk about it?”

Jesse groaned in frustration, massaging his temples. 

Sometimes, he hated how well Lukas knew him. 

“I ran into  _ him,” _ he said. 

Lukas raised an eyebrow. 

“One of my exes,” Jesse explained. “The one I told you about at the coffee shop. The one who stole—”

“Your art; you told me,” Lukas finished. “What did he want?”

Jesse frowned, recalling the bizarre course of events. 

“Nothing,” he said. “Or at least, when he realized it was me, he wanted to apologize. It just… how  _ different  _ he seems kinda threw me for a loop, because it’s been almost four years and he seems like he wants to fix things between us, but… shit, I’ve just never had this happen and I don’t know how to handle it.”

Lukas paused, probably thinking it over.

“What did you guys do?”

“Well,” Jesse said. “We went to that seafood place downtown, got muffins, and then sat there for like an hour or so and watched the lobsters fight in the big tank. Then I asked him about the notebook he had, and he explained that he decided to study music after he got out of juvie for hell knows what; he didn’t tell me why he went in the first place. But then he pulled out his guitar and played a little, and we kinda got in a sing-off. Then he told me about the band he’s in, gave me his number, and left to return the library books he had.”

Lukas paused again, looking incredibly confused. 

“So you got into a sing-off with your ex boyfriend in a seafood store while watching lobsters fight next to you.”

Jesse nodded. “I mean, he didn’t try to pressure me into anything or harass me,” he added. “How much he’s changed kinda shocked me. Honestly, I’m just… confused about all this. And I don’t wanna make you feel like shit, which just makes it weirder.”

“Do you still have his number?” Lukas asked. “I’m gonna go with my gut on this one and ignore my anxiety. I think you should call him.”

Jesse frowned. _“My _gut is confused, _cariño,” _he said. “I don’t really know if I want to call him, but… well, it’s clear he’s a better person than he was. I don’t want to be petty.”

Lukas shrugged. “Then I’d say call him,” he said. “At least you can clear the air.”

Jesse bit his lip. Lukas made a good point, even though he didn’t want to admit it. 

“You know what, I’ll do it,” he decided. 

Lukas nodded. “Better do it fast before you lose your nerve. You almost chickened out at Jolene’s because you waited too long.”

Jesse laughed weakly. “Very funny,” he said, pulling the piece of paper from his pocket, and punched it into his phone.

While it was ringing, he couldn’t help but wonder about the band Aiden had mentioned. Part of him wondered if Jolene needed music at the party…

He quickly shoved the thought out of his mind as someone picked up. 

“This is Aiden Markowitz.”

“Hey,” Jesse said, trying to stifle his growing apprehension. “Well, you kinda made the impression of wanting to chat, and I wanna hear about this band of yours. So how are you?”


	14. Purple & Green

“You all packed?”

Jesse nodded, dragging his suitcase over to the car. 

He  _ loved _ Lukas’s car. It was old, like, really old, but after getting a fix-up from Olivia and Petra, the thing ran like new. Also, it was a 1967 Chevy Impala, which happened to be the car from  _ Supernatural,  _ but that was beside the point. 

“I brought my paints,” He said, holding up his duffel bag. 

Lukas smiled, starting the engine. Today, he was wearing ripped black jeans with his bomber jacket, which hung open to reveal the soft yellow T-shirt they’d bought last week. 

He looked beautiful. 

“Y’know, I remember that agreement we made,” he said. 

Jesse laughed, placing his duffel in the backseat and swinging himself into the passenger’s seat. “We didn’t exactly keep it,” he said, giving Lukas a kiss on the cheek. “And before you ask, you remembered to lock the door.”

Lukas seemed to relax a bit. “So where are we picking the other three up?” he asked, his gaze fixed on the road as they pulled out of the parking garage.

Jesse grinned. “We’re gonna meet at their apartment,” he said. “Gill has a van. He promised us a ride if I painted something cool on the door.”

Lukas chuckled. “Here’s my phone,” he said, pulling it out of his pocket. “I hereby bestow you with the divine powers of the stereo. Use them wisely, asshole. No Red Hot Chili Peppers this time.”

Jesse smirked, fondly remembering the incident. If there was one thing that godforsaken band’s music was good for, it was annoying the hell out of Petra, but also pretty much anybody. 

He watched the smile grow on Lukas’s face as he heard the opening to  _ Closer  _ by Tegan & Sara.

“Of course,” Lukas murmured. “You’re an idiot, you know.”

Jesse grinned. “C’mon, you love this song,  _ cariño.” _

Lukas rolled his eyes, and Jesse couldn’t help but laugh. 

<~>

They pulled up to the building, and Jesse spotted what must’ve the van he’d been told to paint. The sliding door had been lined with paper and tape, leaving the door itself sitting open and untouched, except for the giant spray painted dick. 

Lukas must’ve seen it, because he made a choking noise that might’ve been a laugh. 

Jesse snorted. “I guess that’s why they want it painted,” he remarked. 

The van’s window rolled down, and a brown-haired guy with a beard stuck his head out. 

“Nice car!” He shouted. 

“Thanks!” Lukas replied. “Are you Gill?”

The guy nodded. “You must be the two Aiden mentioned!” He said. “I’ll go get him. He’s still inside.”

He then hopped out of the van and took off into the building. 

Jesse pursed his lips. Covering up the… drawing on the van wouldn’t be too hard. It was making it permanent, though, that was going to be difficult. 

“Well, he seemed nice,” Lukas said, jarring him out of his thoughts. “You nervous?”

Jesse nodded. “Well, a little,” he said, leaning over and reaching into his duffel bag of paints. “I’m just a little worried about how I’m gonna get the paint to stick to the door.”

Lukas shrugged. 

Then Gill came back out of the building, followed by Aiden (who looked a little  _ too _ good in that old white button up), and a brunette woman he didn’t recognize. They were carrying what looked like steel wool pads, and… 

“Hey, that’s weatherproof sealant!” Jesse gasped, recognizing the metal can in Gill’s hands. “Damn, I’ve never been able to afford that!”

He glanced over at Lukas, who looked a little nervous. 

“You doing okay,  _ chico?” _

Lukas nodded. “C’mon, let’s get out and get started.”

“Yeah, I accidentally rear-ended somebody,” Aiden said. “Let’s just say that the person wasn’t pleased. Gill’s van is kinda easy to find. Besides, Maya started calling it the Penis-Mobile, and we need to take away her reason to.”

Jesse smirked. “Penis-Mobile,” he said. “Not bad. Are we gonna scrub the old paint off the door first, or what?”

“Scrub it off,” Aiden said. “You’re Lukas, aren’t you?”

Lukas, who was hanging back a few feet, nodded slowly. 

“I’m Aiden,” Aiden said, holding out his hand. “It’s good to meet you.”

Jesse watched as Lukas shook it, still looking nervous. “It’s… it’s good to meet you too,” Lukas said. “I… uh, heard you and Jesse have a history.”

Aiden winced. “It’s… complicated,” he said. “Too complicated to go over right now. Honestly, I’d prefer if we didn’t talk about it. It—“

“Does it upset you?” Lukas blurted, and Jesse winced as Aiden stiffened. 

“Wait, I’m sorry!” Lukas yelped, backing up. “I—shit, this is weird—that came out wrong; I meant that we don’t have to—“

“It’s okay,” Aiden said. “Anxiety?”

Lukas sighed and nodded. “Sorry, I just get really nervous around people I don’t know.”

Aiden just nodded in acknowledgment and handed him a steel wool pad. 

Jesse frowned, taking his own. He felt bad for Lukas, now that he thought about it. The poor guy had enough trouble ordering at a restaurant. Being introduced to his boyfriend’s ex-turned-sorta-friend was understandably stressful. 

He hoped they’d get along easier after Lukas got to know him. 

After about an hour of scrubbing, they managed to turn the door from black to a muted grey. 

“Well,” Aiden said. “Looks ready to paint. Go nuts, Jesse.”

Jesse paused. “Hold on,” he said. “What’s your band name? You never told me.”

Aiden winced, Gill laughed, and Maya rolled her eyes. 

“I mean, we haven’t decided yet,” Gill said. 

“How about  _ The Ocelots?” _

Jesse glanced over at Lukas in surprise. 

“Well, it’s unique,” Lukas said. “It’s the best I can come up with.”

“Has a nice ring to it,” Maya remarked, twirling her hair around her finger. 

“You know what?” Aiden said. “Why not? Ocelots it is.”

Jesse grinned. Now he had something he could work with, he thought, hunting around in his duffel for the right color. 

“Hey, Lukas?” He called, pulling out a can of gold paint. “Remember those portraits?”

“Yeah?”

“What was that song we listened to while I was painting Petra?”

“Hell yes,” Lukas said. 

Even though Jesse couldn’t see his face, he could practically hear him grinning as  _ Wilson (Expensive Mistakes) _ started to blast through the speaker that was set up. 

“We should do a cover of this,” Maya remarked. 

Jesse ignored the conversation as he started pulling out color after color, sticking to the aesthetic of an ocelot’s fur, but combining it with the colors of the song. 

He eventually slipped into the zone, forgetting about everyone else. 

Before he knew it, the door had been completely painted, and there was a design of an ocelot painted in black in the center of a golden-brown spotted background. 

Satisfied, Jesse started to put away his paints. 

Maya whistled. “Damn, he’s good.”

“Thanks,” Jesse replied, grabbing the can of sealant and a large brush.


	15. Pink and Yellow and Orange

They’d been driving for about four hours when Jesse started to get antsy. 

So far, they’d been able to fill the silence with casual banter and conversation, but no one had talked for a good ten minutes now. Aiden was driving, and he tended not to talk much when he drove anyway. Gill had fallen asleep on Maya, and Maya was reading.

Jesse fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, glancing at the dashboard clock. 

7:49.

Yeah, getting a late start hadn’t been the best, but the sunset streaming through the window made Lukas look even more gorgeous. 

Jesse decided to busy himself that way.

He shifted sideways in his seat, unbuckling his seatbelt, gazing at Lukas, who was haloed by the setting sun. 

His blond hair, ruffled and messed up from scrubbing the door, almost seemed to glow gold. His pale skin reflected the sunlight, one arm folded across his chest, the other resting across the back of the seat. Bright blue eyes, gazing out the window and narrowed a bit in the bright light. 

Jesse paused, his gaze flitting to Lukas’s mouth. 

Something about that pose was  _ really  _ turning him on, and there wasn’t anything he could do about it. And then there was the fact that Lukas could be really oblivious when it came to these kinds of things. 

He grimaced, tapping his fingers on his shoe. He needed a distraction, but it didn’t look like he was going to get one.

Jesse glanced back at the others, confirming that they weren’t paying attention. Then he took matters into his own hands. 

He felt Lukas jolt as he pressed a hot, open-mouthed kiss on the side of his neck. 

“Jesse!” Lukas hissed and pushed him away, cheeks flushed red. 

“You aren’t driving,” Jesse said. “So it isn’t like you’re gonna hit anything.”

There was a burst of laughter from the seats in front of them. 

“Thirsty?” Maya taunted. 

Lukas scowled. “We can do that later. First we need to get to the next town and find a motel. Then we can do that somewhere  _ private.” _

Jesse grimaced, shoving his hands in his lap in frustration. He just wanted to touch Lukas. 

Like,  _ really  _ wanted to.

Just the fact that they were in a car was bringing up memories, and said memories were definitely not PG-13. 

This reminded him of that particular night during the road trip in June. 

It had been a hot, sultry summer night somewhere in the vicinity of Phoenix, and Axel had sent them out to grab more sandwich supplies. 

Frankly, Axel should’ve sent the girls. 

Jesse bit his lip, remembering how it had been at least a thirty minute drive to the nearest grocery store, and in the baking heat and solitude, they’d forgotten about the sandwich supplies. 

They’d finally given in and pulled over a few miles from the motel, into a rest stop abandoned for the night. In the darkness, the moon and stars were so clear and bright, they’d been able to see their shadows in the moonlight filtering through the windows. 

The heat had been so unbearable… 

Thankfully, no one seemed to have found out about it yet, or at least if they had, they’d wisely decided not to bring it up. 

Jesse could practically hear Axel yelling at him. 

_ “Goddamnit, you guys did it on my nice, pure, family-friendly car seats? I feel so bad for the shit those cushions had to see. But dude! Please tell me you at least didn’t make a, uh... a mess.” _

Jesse managed to turn a laugh into a cough. 

He had a feeling if he mentioned that he’d been imagining Axel complaining about the two of them “doing the nasty,” as he would say, in his van, Lukas would probably end up having an aneurysm either from laughing too hard or from embarrassment. 

Lukas made a startled choking noise, and Maya and Aiden burst out laughing. 

Jesse realized he’d thought out loud. 

Fuck, he hadn’t remembered to take his evening meds. When he didn’t take them, he tended to blurt out random things and was a bit spacey, or he just talked too much and got way too jittery. 

“Jesse, I swear to god,” Lukas groaned, rubbing his face and trying to hide a smile. Thankfully, he sounded amused and not upset. “I have no idea where the  _ hell _ that came from, but Jesus Christ, censor your thoughts! We’re going eighty down the highway, man.”

“Yeah, if I crash the car from laughing too hard, it’s your fault,” Aiden remarked. 

Jesse winced. “Sorry. I was… a little… uh… fuck, how am I supposed to tell you the fact that I wanna fuck you right now really bad is reminding me of how Axel sent us out to get sandwich shit but I ended up giving you a blow job instead?”

Aiden swerved, cackling. 

“You dumbass,” Lukas murmured fondly, chuckling. “Your shockingly random thought process is just beautiful at times. Never change that, baby. By the way, I grabbed your meds. They’re in my backpack.”

Jesse sighed in relief. “Thanks,” he said. “You are a life-saver.”

Lukas just smiled thinly, gazing off into the sunset. 

Then Jesse remembered that that phrase was pretty literal when it came to the two of them. If he hadn’t ran to the bridge and stopped Lukas from jumping…

He decided not to finish that thought. 

And the fact that Lukas was _right there,_ _just out of reach, _was really starting to aggravate him. So he gave in, scooting over and leaning on him, his hands fiddling with the dog tags hanging around his neck. 

“Okay, that’s fine,” Lukas said, kissing his forehead. 

Jesse clenched his jaw, trying to stifle the urge to grab his face and kiss him until they both passed out. 

Lukas’s cool hand on his arm helped, though. 

For some reason, Lukas was always cold. Literally. He always had long sleeves on (not just for the obvious reason), always seemed to have more blankets than what Jesse deemed necessary, and always had the heat on, even in the summer. 

Jesse didn’t know why. 

He, on the other hand, always felt warm. He’d always been able to walk around in jeans and a sweater in the winter with no problem, but when it was hot, well, he had problems. Even in the winter, he usually ended up kicking his covers off during the night when he slept back at his hideout. 

Lukas was like his own personal A/C unit that he could snuggle with. 

Jesse yawned. 

He felt tired, probably because he’d been up late the night before, trying to finish a painting he’d been working on. 

He’d been working on it for a week now, and so far it was the biggest work he’d ever created. He’d already used up several cans of paint on it, and since he hadn’t been able to think of a color scheme to go with, he’d just decided to paint it on the wall next to his bed. 

After all, it was very meaningful. The only other painting near his bed was one he’d painted the day he’d broken up with Aiden, in a fit of rage. 

This painting wasn’t red, though. It was more of a bittersweet mix of blue and gold, but other colors, other emotions, were scattered throughout it. 

He rubbed his eyes, curling up next to Lukas, stroking his hair. 

He hoped he could finish it soon. 


	16. Golden Brown and Turquoise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, I’ve been having a little bit of writer’s block on this fic. Hopefully I’ll be able to write more, but it might be a while before I get more chapters out.

So far, three days on the road with his ex, his boyfriend, and his ex’s friends hadn’t gone too badly. 

Though it still felt a little weird, Jesse felt almost completely at ease. Maya and Gill were great: Maya knew how to verbally spar with people without hurting their feelings, and Gill was always good at making jokes out of a potentially bad situation, like now, for example. 

“Damn it!” Gill huffed, giving the flat tire a kick. “I didn’t break my record!”

Aiden, who’d pulled the tool kit out of the trunk, snorted and almost dropped the spare tire on his foot. 

“What do you mean, record?” Jesse asked. 

Maya smirked. “I told Gill to get different tires for his van, because these ones are shitty. He didn’t listen to me, and this is the third tire he’s busted in a year. The last time, he went almost six months without the tire popping. It’s only been... what, four and a half?”

Gill rolled his eyes and grabbed a wrench from the tool kit. 

Jesse laughed, and headed around to the front of the van, downwind of everybody else. Then he lit a cigarette and leaned against the van, in the shade. 

They’d lost the rear tire on an empty stretch of highway, right on the coastline. A cool breeze was blowing off the ocean, remedying the beating sun. 

They’d gotten a lot further south already. 

Luckily, Gill had a spare tire in the trunk, and hopefully they’d be back on the road in an hour or so. 

The beach, however, looked  _ so _ inviting.

Jesse grinned. “Hey, guys,” he said. “We should go for a swim. You brought swimsuits, right?”

Lukas, who was sitting on the hood of the van and eating tortilla chips, shrugged. 

“Give me a minute to get the tire off the iron,” Aiden said, his voice muffled from underneath the car. “But yeah, that actually sounds like a good idea.”

Ten minutes later, they had changed, and dragged their blankets and lunch out onto the beach. 

Jesse grinned as he took off his shoes and grabbed his goggles, his feet sinking into the soft, pale sand. He’d been to a beach once, a long time ago with one of his foster families, and he’d never truly realized how much he loved the smell of saltwater, the breeze on his skin, the warmth of the sun on his back and the sound of the crashing waves. 

He missed this. 

“Your smile is cute.”

Jesse turned. Lukas was standing behind him, wearing a  _ Ramones _ tee he’d stolen from Petra, and the swim shorts they’d picked out a few weeks ago, which were definitely the opposite of the blacks, greys, and muted blues Lukas seemed to prefer: they were bright purple with white stripes on the sides. 

Jesse frowned, noticing how red Lukas’s ears were starting to look. 

“We need to get you some sunscreen, Blondie,” he said, grabbing his hand and dragging him over to the blanket. 

“What, no comment?” Lukas teased. 

Jesse rolled his eyes, trying to hide his smile. “Do you  _ want  _ to get boiled like a lobster?” He asked, grabbing a tube of sunscreen out of his bag, and started to slather it all over Lukas’s arms.

Lukas just chuckled.

One of the few advantages of being dark-skinned, Jesse realized, was that he couldn’t remember ever having to use sunscreen before. But now that Lukas was around (who burned easily), he’d gotten used to carrying it. 

“Here, put some on your face,” he said, handing him the bottle. 

Lukas nodded, and rubbed some on his face, then his legs and feet, and then his neck and ears. 

“I feel all sticky,” he said. 

“Well, the only alternative is to die of skin cancer,” Aiden said, tugging off his shirt. “Trust me, being as pale as I am kinda sucks sometimes. Maya even came up with the vampire joke.”

“I mean, it’s true,” Maya said. “You’re just missing the sparkles, and you practically burst into flames when we go out in the summer.”

“Those are bold words coming from an anemic,” Gill remarked. 

Jesse snorted. 

What he wanted to say was,  _ that does sound shitty and I feel bad for you because you sunburn so easily so summer is harder for you to enjoy. _

Unfortunately, he couldn’t figure out a way to articulate this, so all that came out was “Oof.”

“You put a waterproof bandage over that tattoo, right?” Aiden asked. 

“Yeah,” Lukas said. 

“C’mon then,” Jesse said. He was practically bouncing up and down in excitement. “Let’s go for a swim!”

“Race you,” Lukas said, grinning. 

“You’re on,” Aiden replied. “Both of you. Bye!” 

He bolted, sprinting toward the water. 

Jesse yelped in surprise and took off after him, Lukas hot on his heels. 

Then he reached the water, and dove forward and into the waves. 

After the shock of the cold wore off, Jesse kicked his feet out hard, swimming out deeper, until he couldn’t touch the bottom. Luckily, the water wasn’t very choppy, so he could easily tread water without getting slapped in the face by waves. 

He laughed, accidentally getting a mouth full of saltwater. 

It was exhilarating. 

He pulled his goggles down, took a few deep breaths, and dove, all the way down to the sandy bottom. The water was probably at least ten feet deep out here. 

It was incredibly peaceful, he thought, grabbing onto a large, submerged boulder to keep himself down. All the noise above him was stifled by the waves. 

Then he spotted Lukas’s lower body ahead of him, his black shirt standing out against the pale sand, which was swirling up in clouds around his feet since it was shallow enough for him to stand over where he was. 

Jesse grinned. 

He pushed off the rock, gliding along the bottom until he reached Lukas. 

Then, he swam up. 

He broke the surface, grabbing Lukas’s arm as he gasped for breath, which earned him a startled, high-pitched screech and another face full of saltwater.

“Holy shit!” Lukas shrieked, floundering away. “You scared the shit out of me!”

Jesse laughed, brushing his soaked hair out of his eyes, taking a moment to appreciate Lukas’s terrified face, which was always hilarious. 

“Thought I’d say hello,” he teased, swimming back over to him and giving him a light kiss on the cheek. “Also, that face you make when you freak out is just really fucking funny.”

Lukas scoffed. “I have no idea why the fuck I’m attracted to you,” he murmured, and tugged him closer. “Get over here.”

Jesse chuckled, letting Lukas pull him in closer and kiss him, full of saltwater and sunshine and gold. 

Then he felt Lukas push something into his hand. 

He pulled away, just enough to lift his hand so he could see what the object was, and he gasped. 

“Woah,” he murmured, gazing at the pretty pink seashell in his palm. It looked like a spiral shell. 

“I found it near the shore,” Lukas murmured. “You seem to really like the ocean. It’s so you can remember it, y’know? Do you like it?” 

“I love it,  _ cariño.” _

He smiled, warmth blooming in his chest as he kissed Lukas again. 

“I love you,” he sighed. 

_ “Te… te amo,”  _ Lukas replied. 

Jesse couldn’t help giggling. The fact that Lukas was trying to learn Spanish just so he could say  _ I love you _ was just so fucking cute. He really didn’t know how to articulate the warm, happy feeling that he got, so he just kissed him again, deeper and more passionately this time. 

He heard Lukas gasp and wrap his arms around him. 

“Yo! Dumbasses in love, I found something cool!”

Jesse pulled away and glanced over his shoulder. A couple hundred feet away, Aiden was standing on a large, half-submerged boulder, grinning. Gill was next to him, holding a soaking wet towel with a look of glee on his face. 

“I found a rock! It’s really big!”

Lukas smirked. “That’s what she said.”

Jesse snorted. “Seriously?” He laughed, punching him in the arm. “Come on,  _ chico,  _ let’s see what they’re plotting.”

<~>

Jesse gazed up at the stars, lighting a cigarette. 

The beach today had been fun. In fact, they were still here, except Jesse was sitting up on one of the sand dunes, thinking. 

He didn’t really know what to make of Aiden, really. 

The guy really had changed, he’d noticed. No longer confrontational and testy, but calmer and kinder. He’d proved it many times already. Right now, Lukas was down at the fire pit with the others, and it was just how quickly Lukas had warmed up to Aiden and his friends that made Jesse feel a lot more at ease. 

He was definitely no longer an asshole. 

Maybe it was his lingering distrust that made him feel weird about being alone with Aiden. 

“Hey, Jesse?”

Jesse yelped in surprise. 

Aiden sat down next to him, his face pale in the moonlight. He looked slightly nervous. 

“I wanted to talk to you,” he said. “Like, about us.”

Jesse frowned. “What do you mean?”

Aiden tapped his fingers rapidly on his shin, staring at the waves. 

“Do you want to be friends?”

Jesse hesitated. 

To be honest, he didn’t know how to respond. He knew Aiden was different, and that he seemed much more mature, but Jesse felt conflicted. 

It was almost like when he’d had that fight with Lukas. He’d known that he’d had good intentions, but what if… 

Jesse winced, stifling the memories. 

He looked up at the moon and stars, reminiscing. There had been a time, when he’d been at his worst, thinking about how nothing would change if he killed himself. Now, they just seemed to mock him:

_ We’re the stars. We’re shiny and perfect, dumbfuck. Unlike you.  _

“Yeah,” Jesse said, curling his fingers around Lukas’s seashell. “I think it’s time we bury the hatchet.”

Aiden looked noticeably relieved. 

“Y’know, I didn’t really appreciate how great you were until you left, and I was stuck alone with my mistakes,” he confessed. “I missed talking to you. I missed your colors, man.”

Jesse scoffed, feeling a pang. “I’m far from great,” he said. “I was a mess for so long. I still am. I think Lukas is the only reason I’m…”

He trailed off, suddenly realizing what he was saying. 

“Fuck,” he muttered. 

“What do you mean?” Aiden asked. 

Jesse gulped. Damn it, he’d backed into a painful topic. He didn’t know how Aiden would react.

He suddenly felt incredibly nervous. 

“I’m pretty sure Lukas saved me from myself,” he sighed. “My mental health was on a slippery slope. I was spiraling, and… debating whether or not I wanted to end it all when I met him.”

There was an awkward pause. 

“Oh.” 

“Lukas told me later that he was in the same boat,” Jesse continued. “He was barely keeping it together. Both of us were.”

“Is that why you two have those bandages?” Aiden asked. 

Jesse winced. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Don’t tell anyone, but Lukas still cuts himself. I’ve been burning myself since I started smoking. We’ve both been getting better, but… the healing process could take years. I don’t know if… if either of us will ever stop… like… fully.”

Aiden didn’t respond. He just stared at the ocean. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I know that can’t ever make up for it completely, but I need to try. This… this has been weighing on my conscience for years. Do you…”

Jesse laughed halfheartedly. 

“I accept it,” he said, grinning. “Ha, we’ve come a long way since that summer.”

Aiden laughed. 

“Yeah, we were legendarily stupid,” he said, grinning. “I mean, the classiest we got was giving each other blow jobs in the backseat of my old car.”

Jesse burst out laughing, the memories of that summer surfacing as he fondly punched Aiden in the arm. 

“Yeah, we were the definition of horny and repressed closeted gay kids,” he joked. “Oh, shit, remember the cantaloupe and the firecrackers?”

Aiden’s face went bright red. “I thought we agreed to never bring that up, again, man. Do you  _ want _ to relive the shaving cream incident?”

That just made Jesse laugh even harder.

“Aw, fuck, that’s right!” He snorted. “I remember the shaving cream!”

That was one of his few fond memories. 

“Shit, I almost forgot,” Aiden said. “I had something for you.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope, and when he handed it to him, Jesse realized how heavy it was. 

“Geez,” he said, opening it. “What’s in here, cardboard?”

Then he froze. 

“Holy shit,” he murmured, pulling out a stack of twenty dollar bills. He quickly counted it all up, and had to stifle a gasp of surprise. 

“This is more than five hundred dollars,” he murmured, equally astonished and startled. “Why… why are you…”

“It’s to make up for the art I stole and sold,” Aiden said, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. “I tried to tally it up the best I could. My parents are paying for my tuition, so… I figured you and Lukas need it more than I do.”

“This is… this… I don’t know how to repay you for this,” Jesse said, staring in shock at the money. 

“No, I owe you,” Aiden said firmly. “I essentially stole money from you when I was selling your art without telling you. This is to make up for—oh! Uh… okay?”

Jesse threw his arms around him and hugged him, ignoring the tears welling up in his eyes. 

“Thank you so fucking much, man,” he mumbled through a faceful of shoulder. “I forgive you.”

He heard Aiden chuckle. 

“Friends?”

“Friends.”


	17. Green and Gold and Purple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry I haven’t updated this fic in a while. I was kind of stuck on how to continue it from here, but I think I have the ending now. Anyway, enjoy.

Jesse glanced down the dirt road, bordered on either side by a swamp. 

He grinned. 

“I think this is it,” Lukas said, leaning out the window. “I mean, that’s what the mailbox says.”

“Well, I guess we’ll find out,” Aiden said, earning an eye roll from Maya and a laugh from Gill. 

They’d been staying in town when they’d gotten a call from Jolene. She’d let them know they were there, and the party was to start at four o’clock sharp. 

Jesse leaned out the window, sucking in a breath of the hot, humid air. 

He liked Florida. 

It was already about five in the afternoon, which meant that people were probably already there, he thought to himself as they kept driving. 

He was excited. 

As it turned out, the dirt road wasn’t very long. It lead about a quarter mile through a swampy woodland to a large cabin that looked like it belonged in a ski resort. Frankly, the cypress trees and the screeching cicadas ruined the picture. 

Then Jesse saw the people sitting on the porch.

Petra was sitting next to Olivia, holding Bravo and eating chips. Jolene was sprawled out in a hammock, and Radar was lying on the floor and reading a book. There were already some people on the front lawn playing ping-pong. 

When Jolene spotted them, she sat up in her hammock so fast that she flipped onto the porch. 

Jesse snorted. 

Lukas chuckled, pushing the van’s door open and climbing out. Bravo immediately jumped up off Petra’s lap and darted up to him, barking happily.

“Hey, little guy,” Lukas said. 

Jesse glanced over at Aiden, who looked startled and slightly nervous, and backed up a few feet. 

“You cool?” Jesse asked. 

“That’s… that’s a dog,” he stammered, slowly pulling his suitcase out of the trunk. “Sorry, I’m not a fan of dogs; I get really nervous and—“

“No big deal,” Jesse said, picking Bravo up. That surprised him. He’d never imagined Aiden being afraid of dogs, but then again, they hadn’t been in contact for almost four years. 

He scratched Bravo behind the ears. 

“Dude!” Petra exclaimed, running up and throwing her arms around Lukas in a bear hug. “I missed you!”

Jesse couldn’t help but laugh as Lukas made a startled squeaking sound; Petra had literally lifted him off the ground. 

“Yo, Jesse,” Jolene said. “This them?”

He nodded. 

“Well, you better start moving your instruments inside,” Jolene said. “You’ve got about three hours before I told everybody you’d be playing.”

“Right,” Aiden said. “We’ll take care of it. You guys mind helping?”

Jesse shrugged. “No problem.”

It didn’t take them as long as he’d thought to unload all the instruments from the van, probably because all they had was a drum set, Maya’s electric bass, and Aiden’s guitar. However, when they carried the stuff inside, Jesse was surprised by the size of the stage. 

“Wow,” he remarked, setting the snare down. “This place is big.”

“Yeah, this place used to be the counselor’s lodge and auditorium for a summer camp,” Jolene said. “My dads knew the guy who owned it. They took up the ownership after the camp shut down. There’s no cabins anymore, but this place can fit a lot of people.”

Then Jesse spotted Lukas, who’d climbed up on the piano that sat on the stage. He was grinning. 

Jesse burst out laughing as Lukas burst into song. 

_ “Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck, _

_ Some nights I call it a draw,” _

Suddenly Jolene jumped up onto the piano with him. 

_ “Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle, _

_ Some nights I wish they’d just fall off,” _

Then Petra, who was toting the bass drum, dropped it on the stage, and Olivia jumped onto her back and clung there like a koala. And together, the two of them belted out the next lines. 

Jesse just stood there, staring. 

Something in his brain clicked, and he wished it hadn’t. 

The four of them, Petra carrying Olivia, Lukas and Jolene standing on the piano, looked so  _ complete. _

_ “But I still wake up, I still see your ghost, _

_ Oh Lord, I still don’t know, _

_ What I stand for, oh,  _

_ What do I stand for? _

_ What do I stand for? _

_ Most nights I don’t know…” _

It felt bizarre. 

Petra looked so happy,  _ Lukas _ looked so happy that it was weird to watch. From looking at their smiling faces you would’ve never guessed Lukas had tried to kill himself, or that Petra had been a drug addict at one point, or that Olivia had clinical OCD. It was like looking at what could’ve been. 

Jesse felt a strange ache in his gut. 

But he grinned anyway. 

He couldn’t afford to dwell on this. 


	18. Silver and Yellow

“You guys ready?”

Jesse stifled a laugh as Aiden nodded, looking a bit pale. 

“Yeah, of course,” He said. “I mean, we’ve never actually played in front of people. I’m a little nervous.”

“Y—you’ll do great,” Lukas offered, still sounding a bit timid. 

“Thanks,” Aiden said. 

Jesse grinned, and gave Lukas’s hand an affectionate squeeze, then gave Aiden a knowing glance. 

Aiden grinned back. 

Just before people started coming in for their performance, the two of them had concocted a plan. 

Hopefully they could pull it off. 

“I’m gonna go out to the others,” Lukas said, kissing him on the cheek. “Meet me there?”

“Yeah,” Jesse said. “Give Aiden and me a minute. I’ll be there.”

As soon as Lukas left, Jesse snatched up a microphone and switched it on. He hoped his palms weren’t sweating. 

“Get ready,” Andrew said, hefting his guitar. “As soon as Maya starts playing.”

“Yep,” Jesse said, taking a deep breath. 

Aiden winked and ran out on stage. 

Then the lights, courtesy of Radar, slowly rose. 

Jesse waited. 

Then the bass kicked in, and he ran out on stage. 

_ “Hey, I hear the voice of a preacher from the back room, _

_ Calling my name and I follow just to find you, _

_ I trace the faith to a broken down television, _

_ And I put on the weather. _

_ And I’ve trained myself to give up on the past ‘cause _

_ I frozen time between hearses and caskets, _

_ Lost control when I panicked at the acid test, _

_ I wanna get better.” _

A cheer went up from the crowd. 

And right up front, there was Lukas, his eyes wide with surprise. 

Jesse grinned and winked at him. 

Aiden finished the verse. 

And then they broke into the chorus. 

_ “...So now I’m standing on the overpass, screaming at the cars, _

_ Hey, I wanna get better! _

_ I didn’t know I was lonely ‘till I saw your face (I wanna get better, better, better, better) _

_ I wanna get better, _

_ I didn’t know I was broken ‘till I wanted to change (I wanna get better, better, better, better) _

_ I wanna get better!” _

Petra, who had an arm around Olivia, whooped loudly. 

Jesse felt ecstatic. 

He couldn’t think of a name for this amazing feeling, singing for a crowd, singing with his newfound friend, singing for his Lukas, his beautiful, flawed Lukas, his love, his reason. 

When they finally finished the song, Jesse grabbed his water bottle and gulped down almost half of it.

“You feeling up for another song?” Aiden asked. “We’re playing  _ Nine In The Afternoon  _ next.”

“Hell yeah,” Jesse said, grinning.


	19. Pink and Gold and Yellow

“C’mon, c’mon,” Lukas said excitedly, pulling Jesse along the path to the pool. 

They’d finally finished the set, and Jesse’s voice felt slightly sore, but after being passed some alcohol, he’d stopped caring. 

“Forgive me for asking, but exactly how much did you drink?” Jesse asked, trying to hold back his laughter. So far, the only times Lukas was ever brave enough to do something stupid and fun was when he was drunk, and it was clear he was subsisting on liquid courage right now. 

Lukas frowned, his brow furrowing as he stared off into space while tallying something on his fingers. 

Jesse smirked. “Babe, I was joking,” he said. “I couldn’t care less. Now let’s go to the pool, because you seem awfully excited about  _ something.” _

Lukas grinned, and kept walking. 

Jesse smiled. There was something about the hot, humid air that just made tonight feel especially good. 

Back up at the house, the party was in full swing, and somebody had brought alcohol, so the place was full of drunk college students, which explained why Lukas wanted to get away from it. 

They made it to the bottom of the hill, and there was the pool, blue lights shining under the water to reveal a mosaic of a whale on the bottom. Lukas stopped at one of the chairs, dropping his jacket. Then he froze. 

“Shit, we left our swimsuits back in our room,” he mumbled. 

“I mean, that doesn’t necessarily mean we can’t go swim,” Jesse reasoned. He pulled off his tank top, his shoes and socks, and finally, his shorts. 

Lukas just stared at him for a moment, looking flustered, but he grumbled something under his breath before stripping down to his underwear and tank top. 

“The shirt stays on,” Lukas said. 

Jesse laughed. “Just get in the pool.”

Then he jumped in, and realized that the water itself was several degrees colder than the air a little too late. 

He shrieked, floundering around for a moment before he got his bearings, treading water. 

Lukas glanced down, wincing. “Is it cold?”

“N—no, n—n—not at—t—t all!”

“Jesse, you’re lying through your own chattering teeth.”

“Okay, fine, you called my bluff,” Jesse grumbled, pushing his hair out of his eyes. Now that he thought about it, it was getting pretty long up top. He really had to cut it someday. 

Lukas sat down on the edge of the pool, dipping his feet into the water. “Jesus, it’s cold,” he muttered. 

Jesse grinned. “Aw, c’mon,  _ chico _ , it’s nothing you can’t handle.”

“I don’t wear sweaters in twenty-five degree weather,” Lukas retorted, gingerly sliding into the water, dunking his head. “Goddamnit, how the hell is there not ice in here?”

He swam out, giving him a distasteful look. 

Jesse laughed. Lukas’s blond hair was plastered to the side of his head, the rest of it sticking up in a cowlick on his forehead. 

Lukas seemed to freeze up for a moment, regarding him slowly, something familiar in his ocean-colored eyes. 

Jesse smirked, recognizing that expression. “Are you checking me out?”

Lukas scowled. “No.”

“You totally were,” Jesse said. “You get that look on your face whenever you do it. And something tells me you brought me down here for something else, not just swimming.”

“You brought me to this boiling hellhole for a chance to see me in shorts and a tank top, asshat.”

That made Jesse laugh. “Partially,” he teased. 

“Fuck you.”

“Fuck me yourself,  _ cobarde.” _

Lukas rolled his eyes in exasperation, swimming over to him. “You asked for it, buddy.”

Then he kissed him. 

Jesse inhaled sharply, startled by the intensity. Normally, Lukas’s kisses were always so gentle and soft. 

This was… the opposite of gentle. 

Lukas looped his arms around him, towing him toward the side of the pool. Jesse felt his heart leap in his chest as Lukas pushed him up against the wall, bracing himself with a hand on the ledge above their heads.

“Every time we do this, you’re always doing all the work,” Lukas murmured, teeth snagging on his lower lip. “You need a break.”

Jesse gasped. “Okay.”

They were pressed together, shoulder-deep in the pool, the heat in the air clashing with the cool water. They were completely hidden from view, and the chirping of the cicadas mingled with the distant shouting and faint strains of music from the nearby party. 

In the moment, he forgot about all his doubts and stress. 

Tonight was perfect. 

Jesse gently took Lukas’s face in his hands. “I’m sorry I scared you back at the beach,” he teased. 

Lukas gave him a soft smile. “Don’t apologize.”

His blue eyes, as clear blue as  _ LA Devotee, _ were shining with happiness and lust. He’d pushed his damp hair out of the way too, and his smile… 

Jesse loved his smile, he thought, threading a hand up and underneath his soaked tank top. 

Lukas started kissing him again, and everything was a blur after that. 

Pulling Lukas’s shirt off. 

Climbing out of the pool. 

A frantic dash back into the house. 

Lukas slamming him up against the bedroom door.

More hot, heavy kisses.

Fingernails digging into his hips. 

Kicking off their boxers. 

Collapsing on the bed. 

Lukas’s mouth. 

Lukas’s body. 

Lukas’s eyes. 

Lukas.


	20. Red, Blue, and Grey

He woke up alone. 

Jesse winced, feeling around on the bed next to him, trying to find Lukas, only he wasn’t there; the bed was cold. 

With a sigh, he sat up, rubbing his temples, and stumbled over to his suitcase. He got dressed quickly, trying to ignore the bizarre reddish-grey feeling of betrayal he felt. 

Of course Lukas had gotten up early. 

Sure, Maya and Gill were great, but Jesse knew that he hadn’t really clicked with them. Lukas, on the other hand, had quickly developed a friendship, and watching them all hang out… 

It was happening again. 

First Petra slowly replacing him, now Aiden and his friends. 

Jesse gritted his teeth, rubbing his seashell between his fingers, forcing himself to calm down. 

He couldn’t afford to lose it like last time. 

With a dull sigh, he headed downstairs to breakfast. 

Just as he’d expected, Lukas was down in the kitchen, talking animatedly with the others. 

“Okay, just because it’s got filling doesn’t mean it’s ravioli,” Olivia sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose in obvious exasperation. 

“I’m on Petra’s side,” Jolene remarked, holding up a Pop-Tart. 

“See?” Petra, who was sitting up on the counter, said excitedly. “See? Jolene agrees! Pop-Tarts have filling, and are therefore considered ravioli!”

Maya, who was eating cereal, rolled her eyes in amusement. 

“Nah, they aren’t noodles,” Gill said. 

“Well, technically they’re made of the same stuff as noodles,” Lukas pointed out. “Y’know, wheat?”

Gill scoffed and shook his head. 

“You know what, that’s it, I’m gonna google it,” Aiden said, pulling out his phone. “You guys are crazy.”

Jesse took the brief lull in the conversation to his advantage. 

“‘Morning, guys.”

“Jesse, you’re up!” Lukas said brightly. “We were just debating whether or not a Pop-Tart qualifies as ravioli.”

“HA!” Aiden exclaimed. “It says here that Pop-Tarts, burritos, and uncrustable sandwiches are  _ not _ considered ravioli.”

Jesse almost burst out laughing when he saw the scandalized look on Petra’s face. 

Gill grinned. “Told ya.”

Lukas just scoffed and elbowed him.

Jesse tried not to wince. 

“We’re going into town today,” Jolene said, taking a bite of her Pop-Tart. “I’m gonna get ice cream, but I don’t know about anyone else.”

“Ice cream sounds good,” Jesse offered. 

<~>

Going into town was fun. 

At first. 

The town in particular was a little place on the beach. There wasn’t much to see, but there  _ was  _ an aquarium. 

So that’s what they decided to do. 

Jesse still felt oddly isolated. 

Jolene was talking and laughing with Olivia and Petra as if she’d known them forever. 

Lukas looked like he was in a better mood than usual, chatting with Maya and Gill and Aiden. 

Nobody seemed to want to talk to him. 

Now he was really feeling abandoned, he thought, watching Lukas enthusiastically pointing out a beautiful iridescent tropical fish to Petra.

He ended up trailing behind in the deep ocean part of the exhibit. 

The dim mood lighting and the cool, moist air was soothing on his skin as his eyes drifted along the tanks of black coral and darting fish. 

Then he realized everyone else was gone.

“Guys?” He called. 

No response. 

The stabbing flash of betrayal and rage almost made him crumple. 

He felt crushed. 

They’d  _ left him here. _

_ Alone.  _

He stormed off to the exit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick note about Jesse in this story; I based his abandonment issues and difficulty with expressing his feelings in ways other people can understand on my own emotional struggles, which has made this particular story (a few specific chapters especially) difficult for me to write. Sorry about the inconsistency of the updating; the ending was a bit difficult to figure out but I’m getting there and hopefully I’ll finish Rainbow Veins by the end of this year. Thanks!


	21. Vermillion and Blue

“Bad day, huh?”

Jesse gritted his teeth, miserably avoiding the eyes of the middle-aged man behind the diner counter. 

Then the waiter set a milkshake down in front of him. 

“I ordered a lemonade,” Jesse said. 

“No, buddy, you need a milkshake,” the man replied. “Don’t worry, I’ll pay the difference for you.”

Jesse broke down sobbing. 

Now that he thought about it, he couldn’t remember the last time one of his “friends” had done something so kind for him. 

The waiter paused, a startled look on his face, but then Jesse realized the guy was awkwardly patting his shoulder. 

“Breakup?” The waiter asked. 

Jesse slowly shook his head. 

“Forgotten,” he mumbled. “By the people I care about.”

The waiter winced. “Oh. I’m sorry. Do… do you wanna talk about it? It’s a slow day. You can rant if you want.”

And that was when Jesse collapsed completely. 

He started rambling, probably mostly incoherently, about his past, about his struggles with his bipolar depression and his ADHD, about his dead family, about his found family forgetting him, about how he burned himself, about how he couldn’t keep a boyfriend, about everything.

All the time, some waiter he’d never met before was listening and nodding. 

“Why do you even care?” Jesse blurted, his voice bordering on hysterical. “You don’t know me! I’m just some… some random customer who’s oversharing to you while you’re on the clock! Why—“

“Hey, listen, kid,” the waiter said. “I used to self-harm when I was a teenager. I felt terrible about myself. I know what it’s like. This is a difficult time; I know.”

Jesse doubled over as a fresh wave of sobs racked his body. 

It was all too much. 

Then the waiter walked around the counter and sat on one of the chairs and hugged him. 

“Please don’t give up,” the man said, rubbing his back. “Please don’t give up on yourself. Just breathe. In, out. There you go. In, out. See? It’s gonna be alright. Just breathe. What other people doesn’t matter, kid. You’re yourself.”

Jesse took a deep, shuddering breath and pulled away, hands shaking as he wiped his eyes. 

“Th—thank you,” he mumbled. 

He left the diner, feeling like a lead block was sitting on his shoulders. 

<~>

When he finally got back to the summer camp-turned-vacation-spot, Jesse saw Petra sitting in a chair on the porch, Olivia resting in her lap. 

They looked so serene. 

So happy. 

He felt an explosion of anger and frustration and sadness. 

He bolted inside. 

Then he crashed into Gill. 

“Aah!” Gill yelped. “Jeez! Oh, it’s you, okay. Shit! I… uhm…”

“Spit it out,” Jesse snapped. 

Gill suddenly looked very uncomfortable. 

“Lukas… Lukas is really worried,” he said. “He’s… crying. Not doing well, and Jolene went out to look for you, but—“

“Where is he?” Jesse cut him off. 

“Upstairs,” Gill said quickly. “In the room you guys slept in. Aiden’s trying to calm him down.”

Jesse shoved past Gill and stormed upstairs. 

When he reached the door, he took a deep breath to console himself, then opened it. 

He froze. 

Lukas was sitting on their bed, eyes red and puffy from crying. Aiden had an arm draped around him, murmuring something quietly. 

Worst of all, whatever he was saying seemed to be  _ working. _

Jesse’s rage exploded. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” He yelled, forcing back the tears that were threatening to fall. “What the fuck is going on here?”

Aiden looked up, his expression changing to something bitter. 

“I don’t know,” he retorted. “Where the hell did you run off to?”

“I didn’t _run _anywhere,” Jesse snarled, his fists clenching. “You guys fucking _left_ _me_ in the aquarium! What was I supposed to do, wait?”

“G—guys,” Lukas stammered. 

Aiden paused, his expression changing again to shocked and remorseful. 

“Wait, we  _ left _ you there?”

“What, did you not realize I wasn’t in the fucking car?” Jesse demanded. 

“I… I’m so sorry,” Aiden said, voice dropping. “We were all talking and having so much fun that we didn’t notice you were gone until—“

“Until when?” Jesse blurted. “Until when, Aiden? You didn’t fucking notice I was gone? Am I really that fucking forgettable to you? No, don’t interrupt me, I don’t care. You’re fucking replacing me, that’s what you’re doing!”

The room fell silent, except for Lukas, who was hyperventilating and covering his face with his hands. 

Then the door banged open and Olivia, Petra, Maya, and Gill rushed in. 

“Jesse, where in the everloving fuck have you—“ Petra started, but Olivia silenced her with a hand on her wrist. 

Jesse could feel the boiling tension in the air. 

“You guys don’t fucking care,” he spat bitterly. “Do you?”

Silence. 

_ “Do you?”  _ He snarled, turning on Olivia.

“Of—of course we care!” Petra yelled, anger rising in her voice. “Jesse, this was an accident! Let it go!”

Alarm flashed in Olivia’s eyes. 

“Don’t tell me to fucking let it go, Petra,” Jesse yelled. “Don’t pretend that you think I’m a pain in the ass to have around! Don’t pretend that you like my fucking sister more than me! I know, okay? She’s like me but she’s more than a loose collection of personality flaws, and I know you wanna replace me with her! You don’t need to fucking rub it in!”

More tense silence. 

“I know!” He shouted again, his voice cracking with grief. “I know you don’t want me! I know you’re replacing me, and I know that you think of me as a fucking terrible mess of a person with no self-preservation instinct and a shitload of problems that I can’t fucking solve! And you know what, just do it! Cut me off! Kick me out! I don’t fucking deserve you!”

“No,” Maya said. “No, Jesse, we don’t think of you like that—“

Jesse almost laughed out loud as he paused, trying to work out the English translation of the thoughts racing through his mind. Everything was flashing red and green and blue and he could hardly think straight. 

_ “We?”  _ He hissed. “Really?  _ Really?  _ You don’t know who I am at all because I’ve kept quiet about so many things! Like my opinions on all of you!”

Words that he wished he had been able to keep himself from saying just flooded out. 

“Olivia, you’re fucking annoying;” Jesse spat. “Petra, you’re rude and brutally honest; Gill, you’re a try-hard; Maya, you’re kind of a bitch; Aiden, you’re a selfish asshole; and… and Lukas… Lukas, you… you’re…”

All the fight went out of him. 

He turned and left the room, his chest tightening as he ran as fast as he could down the hall and took off down the staircase. 

Before he realized what was happening, he was doubled over and gasping for breath, about halfway down the driveway, and that was when the heaving sobs started. 

He hadn’t had a full-blown panic attack like this in years. 

_ What do I do what do I do what do I do _

He balled up the hem of his shirt, shoved it in his mouth, and started screaming. There was too much emotion, and he had to get it out before he lost it.

He ended up curled on his side on the side of the dirt road, hyperventilating and clawing open his old burns, trying to get a grip. 

He’d broken  _ something. _

_ Nothing left it’s all gone it’s all gone _

And then he saw car headlights. 

It was  _ Jolene’s _ car. 

She pulled over, and then she was getting out of her car.

And then she was hugging him.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Jesse choked out hysterically, burying his face in her shoulder, still shaking. “I don’t know, I don’t know…”

“Let’s go somewhere,” she said. “So we can talk about it.”


	22. Grey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for lots of suicidal thoughts and planning of suicide in this chapter

As they drove, all the way out to the beach and parked there, Jesse rambled. 

It started with the little things. Like how he’d been afraid of being replaced by Petra when he’d first found his friends, and his struggles with even forming friendships at all. 

But once he started to talk, the words wouldn’t stop, and he ended up telling Jolene everything.

His unhealthy past relationship with Aiden.

Petra’s former addiction problems.

Lukas’s suicide attempt.

How without Axel he felt lonely.

How something had gone missing inside him over time.

Everything.

“And I lied,” he mumbled, staring miserably at his hands. “I lied to you about my scars. They weren’t from the fire. I did that to myself. I do it a lot.”

Jolene, who’d parked in the lot next to the beach, flinched.

“Jesse… you… your life…”

Jesse clenched his teeth, forcing back another sob.

“I do it because it makes me feel just a tiny bit better,” he muttered, staring at the bumpy, discolored skin, the blood and the marks from his fingernails. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop.”

Jolene heaved a sigh and pulled a new pack of cigarettes out of her pocket.

“I bought these for you,” she said, wincing and brushing away her tears as she turned to face him. “I… I don’t know how to help you, but… but I…”

She covered her face with her hand, letting out a faint whimpering sound.

Jesse took the cigarette pack, staring at Jolene.

He carefully lit one and rolled the window down a few inches, taking a drag on it before he leaned over and wrapped his arms around her.

He’d never been great at understanding emotion, whether it be his own or someone else’s. 

But he did know that he loved his sister.

Finally, Jolene pulled away, rubbing her face. She sighed, brushing her tangled brown hair from her face, looking dismal.

“I have no idea what… what to do with all this,” she said. “Do you want to go back to—“

“No,” Jesse blurted.

He felt like he’d somehow ripped something out of himself. He couldn’t go back—not with what he’d said. And it wasn’t like he could force his sister to leave everybody behind.

“Just… drive me to the airport,” he said quietly. “I’ll find a way to get home. And if they ask… tell Lukas… tell him I’m sorry. That… it was for the best.”

Everything was a monotone grey.

Jolene paused, and for a moment Jesse was afraid that she would refuse, but then she pulled out her wallet and pushed a debit card into his hand.

“That’s got three hundred dollars on it,” she said. “It’s emergency money, and you need it.”

Jesse gulped.

“Thanks,” he mumbled. “I… I love you, Jolene. Thank you.”

They drove for a while in silence.

Jesse closed his eyes and leaned back in his seat, trying to feel something, see a color, anything.

But everything was just grey.

He’d lost Lukas, for good this time.

He realized he had no real plans for making a new life once he found a way home, and maybe that was for the best, Jesse thought, running his fingers over his burns. 

He finally decided that his best course of action was to end it all.

He made his plan. 

As soon as he got back home, he’d go back to the apartment. He’d leave Lukas a note, stating what he wanted him to do with his paints and the rest of his things, and all his apologies and goodbyes he’d never gotten to say.

Then he’d go to his hideout. 

Finish the mural in his sleeping area he’d been working on, sort of like his last hurrah before he went out.

Then… 

Jesse sucked in a breath.

He skimmed through his options.

Swallowing a bottle of pills was out of the question, mostly because of the pain. 

Cutting himself open and bleeding out didn’t sound too appealing, either. The end would come too slowly, even if he was too numb to feel the cuts.

Besides, that was how Lukas coped.

It would be like a cruel joke.

He finally decided on going to the bridge that he accessed his hideout from. He’d jump from there, and he wouldn’t hold onto the rope this time. 

That would okay.

Jesse let out a heavy sigh, wiping his nose. Somehow, he felt so free and light, now that he’d decided he was going to die and how it would happen, but even so, the lack of color felt so awful.

  
He felt so horrible and empty and  _ grey  _ that he hardly even felt it when the other car ran a red light and hit them.


	23. Grey

Dim light.

Faint voices.

Crying.

_ I can’t breathe _

A flashlight shining in his face.

Horrible, stabbing pain in his legs.

Red and blue flashing.

Sirens.

_ I can’t breathe I can’t breathe _

Jolting around.

Loud noise.

Crying, pleading.

Sirens.

_ I can’t breathe help me I can’t breathe _

Darkness.

More bright light.

Something lifting him.

Shouting.

Squeaking wheels and beeping.

Gentle hands.

A needle prick.

_ I CAN’T BREATHE I CAN’T BREATHE I  _

<~>

Everything was hazy. 

Grey. 

Dull blue. 

Even the music playing softly in the background wouldn’t send any colors swirling across the room. 

No orange. 

No yellow. 

Not even green or red. 

The only other constant was the quiet throbbing of his broken arm and legs, flaring every time he tried unsuccessfully to move. 

Jesse stared numbly at the ceiling. 

Who had hit them?

Why was Jolene dead?

Why wasn’t _ he _ dead?

_ Why? _

_ why why why why why why why _

He started crying for the third time that day, his lungs seizing up and making him cough violently. 

Everything hurt. 

He didn’t have the energy or motivation to move or do anything. 

He just kept staring at the ceiling. 

Listening to the same song over and over and over again. 

Pleading to God, if He even still existed and hadn’t abandoned him long ago, for a quick end to it all.


	24. Pale Blue

He woke up one morning to the sound of the rain. 

He liked rain.

There was someone singing; a guitar faintly following. 

Their voice sad.

Broken from tears. 

_ “Yeah, I’m sick of losing soulmates, _

_ Won’t be alone again, _

_ I can finally see you’re as fucked-up as me, _

_ So how do we win?” _

Jesse blinked. 

He knew that voice. 

He finally dared to look down from the ceiling for the first time in… 

Days? Weeks?

He didn’t know how long.

It was Aiden, who was clutching his guitar in both hands, crying as he tried to play another chord. 

“Fuck,” Aiden mumbled. “Fuck, I—I—“

He continued to cry. 

“Don’t be sorry,” Jesse murmured. “It’s not your fault.”

Aiden’s head snapped up. 

“Oh my god,” he blurted. “Oh my god, Jesse! Jesse why… why did… I shouldn’t have come. I shouldn’tve come on the trip, I really shouldn’tve. I’m—“

“Please stop,” Jesse stammered, slowly looking back up. “Please stop.”

He couldn’t take this. 

“Jesse,” Aiden’s voice came again. “No, please don’t fade out again! No! I—I… no no no, Lukas wanted to know—“

Jesse choked back a sob. 

_ Lukas.  _

He’d let him down. 

“Just fucking leave,” he mumbled. “You don’t deserve this. Neither does he.”

There was silence from the chair. 

“Jesse,” Aiden finally said. “Jesse, he’s been hysterical for days. He’s been begging over and over for any positive news about you. He’s… he’s on an edge, of some kind. Please. Just… just stay for him. You may think all the rest of us are assholes, and that’s justified, but I noticed you couldn’t think of anything bad to say about him. Just… please.”

Jesse sat up, wincing from the pain and reluctantly meeting Aiden’s eyes. 

“Bring him here.”

<~>

Finally Aiden opened the door again. 

Lukas, looking pale and terrified, peered in, the dark circles under his eyes painfully visible. 

His eyes flew wide. 

“J—Jesse?”

“I’m sorry,” Jesse blurted. 

Then Lukas burst into tears. 

He kept trying to say something, but he kept losing his composure. 

“I—I almost gave up,” Lukas finally choked out. “No one would tell me anything, I thought you… that you…”

“I’m alive,” Jesse mumbled, feeling sickening guilt welling up. “Sadly.”

“N—no,” Lukas mumbled frantically, his fingers clenching in his lap. “No no no, no no no no no. Jesse… Jesse, no, please stay. Please stay. I can’t…”

He buried his face in his arms. 

Jesse saw the bloodstains that had seeped through his sleeves.

_ Stay.  _

_ Stay for him.  _

_ Stay.  _

Jesse slowly sat forward. 

“Don’t worry,” he managed to whisper. 

He very slowly placed his good hand on Lukas’s cheek, gently wiping away the tears. 

“I’ll stay.”

That was the very first time he began to see colors again. 

Just a tiny bit of gold.

<~>

People came and went. 

Petra came, desolation in her eyes and holding a worn blanket from his hideout and his dog tags. 

Olivia came, on the verge of tears and carrying a large set of oil paints and canvases. 

Aiden came again, this time with some strawberry candies from the sweet shop downtown and a pack of cigarettes. 

Even Axel came, fresh off his non-stop flight from Frankfurt, badly jet lagged and holding a soft wool sweater and a matching scarf. 

“I was going to send them over for Christmas,” he explained, very obviously trying not to fall asleep in his chair. “But then Olivia called about you and your sister and I took the first flight to Florida that I could. I needed to see you, man. I was really scared for you.”

That was the first time Jesse smiled again, albeit halfheartedly. 

The days passed, then weeks. 

It was like when he’d been in the hospital after he’d been shot. 

Except he couldn’t see Lukas every day, who had been sent to a psych ward after nearly dying. The accident had left Lukas a complete wreck, and shortly after their reunion, with no other outlet for his fear and guilt, Lukas had shredded his arms so badly with a stolen scalpel that he’d come dangerously close to bleeding out.

Not from the placement or size of the cuts, but from the sheer  _volume _of them.

But Petra had come in a few times and given him updates on his condition, and Lukas seemed to be getting better.

Jesse picked up his brush and started painting that little bit of gold. 

<~>

The door opened.

“Hey.”

Jesse didn’t look up from his sketching.

“Hey, Jesse.”

Jesse winced. He still felt strange and bad about talking to Lukas.

“Jesse, please. Please talk to me.”

Jesse sighed and slowly set his sketchbook down, forcing himself to look up into the eyes of the source of the voice. 

“Your hair,” he said. 

“Yeah,” Lukas mumbled, awkwardly running his hand through his hair, which now had large blue streaks in it. He looked pale, but that was just from nerves. Overall, the guy looked healthier than he had since… wow, now that Jesse thought about it, this was the healthiest he’d  _ ever  _ seen Lukas in all the time they had known each other.

“They… the doctor told me to come tell you to pack up,” Lukas said, sitting on the cot next to him and kissing his cheek. “You’re getting discharged tomorrow. Do you want to go paint first thing, or…”

Jesse sighed heavily. 

“What will they say to me?” He asked, catching one of Lukas’s hands. “After what I said?”

“I don’t know,” Lukas murmured, pulling him into a hug and gently stroking his hair. “What I remember most is that when we heard about the crash and drove there, Petra cried. She doesn’t cry often. I don’t know if… I just don’t know. I’m no good at this, but I’m sticking with you, okay?”

“Okay,” Jesse said. “I… I missed you.”

Lukas let out a sigh of relief. “Y—you’re my reason,” he said softly. 

Some colors flickered. 

Pale orange.

Soothing, deep blue. 

Soft gold. 

Jesse reached up and touched Lukas’s face, hesitantly, gently. 

“You’re mine,” he replied.


	25. Lilac

Weeks flew by. 

It was September again. 

Jolene’s funeral, a depressing and painful affair for all parties involved.

November. December. January. 

It was cold again, and Jesse was sitting on the balcony of Lukas’s apartment. 

Jesse took a drag on his cigarette. 

Currently, Aiden and his friends were back in college, Axel was back in Germany, Olivia had started taking a fashion design course, and Petra had opened a mechanic shop across town. 

He’d managed to talk to them and apologize and fix the broken bonds.

Things were mending. 

Jesse gazed off at the lights of the city, nodding his head to the song playing through his earbuds;  _ Molly.  _

Things had changed, but they somehow had stayed the same. 

Then the sliding door opened and Lukas stepped out and slipped an arm around him, gently hugging him. 

“Hey,” Lukas said, shaded a soft and delicate lilac. 

Jesse smiled. 

“Hey,  _ chico.”  _

_ It’s the hardest road to follow (I’m thinking of you) _

_ I really wish that I could call you (what can I do) _

_ You can find another me tomorrow  _

_ And that’s the hardest pill to swallow, babe _

“Hey, sunshine,” Lukas said. 

_ If I woke up and I called it quits (‘cause I’m thinking of you) _

Jesse smiled.

He leaned his head back and kissed Lukas’s cheek.

_ “Ah, hola cariño,”  _ he replied.

That made Lukas chuckle and give him an affectionate squeeze. “I swear, it’s like you’re speaking in cursive. I am never gonna get the hang of it.”

Jesse laughed out loud, smiling at the sunbursts of gold and yellow and orange when Lukas smiled and blushed.

“Here,” Jesse said, pulling out an earbud. “Wanna listen?”

Lukas accepted it.

_ If today I gave up all of this (I don’t know what to do) _

They stood together for a long time, staring at the city lights together, and Jesse couldn’t help but wonder about how things could’ve been astronomically different had he made his choices differently; had he not held onto that rope what felt like decades ago, had he skipped calculus that day.

All he knew was that he wouldn’t take back his choices for the world.

He leaned up and kissed Lukas gently.

“I love you,” he murmured.

_ Maybe I could get you back tomorrow _

There was a pause, then Lukas answered, soft, genuine, and in shades of soft, deep blue that didn’t just mean sadness anymore.

“I love you too, J.”

_ And that’s the hardest pill to swallow, baby _

~End.~


	26. Rainbow Veins Playlist

Bloom—Troye Sivan

LA Devotee—Panic! At The Disco

Wilson (Expensive Mistakes)—Fall Out Boy

Sunflower—Post Malone, Swae Lee

fuck, i’m lonely—Lauv, Anne-Marie

Drugs & Candy—All Time Low

Cruel Summer—Taylor Swift 

Closer—The Chainsmokers 

Rose-Colored Boy—Paramore

Thnks fr th Mmrs—Fall Out Boy

Crop Circles—Jon Bellion

Sick of Losing Soulmates—dodie

Roses—The Chainsmokers, ROZES

Beautiful Trauma—P!nk

Closer—Tegan and Sara

Changing Of The Seasons—Two Door Cinema Club

I Wanna Get Better—Bleachers

Some Nights—fun.

Molly (feat. Brendon Urie)—Lil Dicky, Brendon Urie 

Collar Full—Panic! At The Disco

The Other Side Of Paradise—Glass Animals

Ungrateful Eyes—Jon Bellion

Jet Pack Blues—Fall Out Boy

First Time—Kygo, Ellie Goulding 

Nine in the Afternoon—Panic! At The Disco

100 Bad Days—AJR

Rollercoaster—Bleachers

Burn—Hamilton (the musical)

Goodbyes (feat. Young Thug)—Post Malone

Ribs—Lorde

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After six months, I’ve finally finished this series. I appreciate all the positive feedback I’ve gotten, and I’d like to thank all the people who read this. Kudos to all of you; I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and New Years!


End file.
